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Devoted to principles of liberty, equality, and religious tolerance which, dear internet, is not necessarily the same thing as satanism Masonic lodge became the de facto clubhouses of the Age of Reason. By Sarah Vowell Equality Reason Masonic Age Devoted

The groundswell of outrage over the invasion of Iraq often cited the preemptive war as a betrayal of American ideals. The subtext of the dissent was: 'This is not who we are.' But not if you were standing where I was. It was hard to see the look in that palace tour guide's eyes when she talked about the American flag flying over the palace and not realize that ever since 1898, from time to time, this is exactly who we are. By Sarah Vowell Iraq American Ideals Groundswell Outrage

[Martin Luther King, Jr.] concluded the learned discourse that came to be known as the 'loving your enemies' sermon this way: 'So this morning, as I look into your eyes and into the eyes of all my brothers in Alabama and all over America and over the world, I say to you,'I love you. I would rather die than hate you.'Go ahead and reread that. That is hands down the most beautiful, strange, impossible, but most of all radical thing a human being can say. And it comes from reading the most beautiful, strange, impossible, but most of all radical civics lesson ever taught, when Jesus of Nazareth went to a hill in Galilee and told his disciples, 'Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you. By Sarah Vowell Martin King Luther Alabama America

It goes without saying that in order for me to buy a teapot at the Oneida, Ltd., outlet store at the Sherrill Shopping Plaza, the second coming of Jesus Christ had to have taken place in the year 70 A.D. To the Oneida Community, 70 A.D., the year the temple in Jerusalem was destroyed, marks the beginning of the New Jerusalem. Which means we've all been living in heaven on earth for nearly two thousand years. Everyone knows there is no marriage in heaven (though one suspects there's no shortage of it in hell). So, the Oneidans said, we're here in heaven, already saved and perfect in the eyes of God, so let's move upstate and sleep around. (I'm paraphrasing.) By Sarah Vowell Ltd Oneida Plaza Sherrill Shopping

It's such a hopeful, almost utopian word, that word "phase." As if any minute, "we" would suffer some sort of Joad overload, come to "our" senses, and for heaven's sake, do something about our godforsaken shoes. But the book phase never ended. The book phase would bloom and grow into a whole series of seasonal affiliations including our communist phase, our beatnik phase, our vegetarian phase, and the three-year period known as Please Don't Talk to Me. Now that we are finishing up the third decade of the book phase, we ask ourselves if we have changed. Sure, we still dress in the bruise palette of gray, black, and blue, and we still haven't gotten around to piercing our ears. But we wear lipstick now, we own high-heeled shoes. Concessions have been made. By Sarah Vowell Word Phase Book Hopeful Utopian

If I'm still wistful about On the Road, I look on the rest of the Kerouac oeuvrethe poems, the poems!in horror. Read Satori in Paris lately? But if I had never read Jack Kerouac's horrendous poems, I never would have had the guts to write horrendous poems myself. I never would have signed up for Mrs. Safford's poetry class the spring of junior year, which led me to poetry readings, which introduced me to bad red wine, and after that it's all just one big blurry condemned path to journalism and San Francisco. By Sarah Vowell Road Poems Kerouac Horror Wistful

A couple of days after the last time I saw him, I got a typically well-written postcard. He said that after he kissed me goodbye at LAX he was driving away and turned on the radio. Elvis was singing "It's Now or Never." In my personal religion, a faith cobbled together out of pop songs and books and movies, there is nothing closer to a sign from God than Elvis Presley telling you "tomorrow will be too late" at precisely the moment you drop off a girl you're not sure you want to drop off. Sitting on the stairs to my apartment, I read that card and wept. It said he heard the song and thought about running after me. But he didn't. And just as wellthose mixed-faith marriages hardly ever work. An Elvis song coming out of the radio wasn't a sign from God to him, it was just another one of those corny pop tunes he could live without. By Sarah Vowell Elvis Postcard God Couple Days

That year, a middle-aged acquaintance asked me what my favorite book was and I said "On the Road." He smiled, said, "That was my favorite book at sixteen." At the time , I thought he was patronizing me, that it was going to be my favorite book forever and ever, amen. But he was right. As an adult, I'm more of a Gatsby girl-more tragic, more sad, just as interested in what America costs as what it has to offer. By Sarah Vowell Road Favorite Book Year Middleaged

His boss, Isaac (Robert Guillaume), agrees but tells him to do it anyway "because it's television and this is how it's done." Dan replies, "Yeah, well, sitting in the back of the bus was how it was done until a forty-two-year-old lady moved up front." A few minutes later Isaac looks Dan in the eye and tells him, "Because I love you I can say this. No rich young white guy has ever gotten anywhere with me comparing himself to Rosa Parks." Finally, the voice of reason, which of course was heard on a canceled network TV series on cable. By Sarah Vowell Robert Guillaume Isaac Boss Agrees

We all grew up, those of us who took On the Road to heart. We came to cringe a little at our old favorite poet, concluding that God was likely never Pooh Bear, that sometimes New York and California could be just as isolated as our provincial hometown, and that grown men didn't run back and forth all the time bleeding soup and sympathy out of sucker women. But those are just details, really. We got what we needed, namely a passion for unlikely words, the willingness to improvise, a distrust of authority, and a sentimental attachment to a certain America ... By Sarah Vowell Road Heart Grew Bear God

The neighborhood of Gramercy Park, where Edwin used to live, was built to look like London, which is to say that its considerable beauty is skin deep while its heart beats with the ugliness of monarchy. And at its very center, inside the gates keeping out the riffraff that is all New York, stands the statue of the sad and fancy Edwin Booth, dressed as Hamlet, his signature role. By Sarah Vowell Park London Gramercy Edwin Live

Being a nerd, which is to say going to far and caring too much about a subject, is the best way to make friends I know. For me, the spark that turns an acquaintance into a friend has usually been kindled by some shared enthusiasm like detective novels or Ulysses S. Grant. By Sarah Vowell Nerd Subject Caring Make Grant

I was a big Nancy Drew reader. Nancy figures it out. Case closed. By Sarah Vowell Drew Reader Nancy Big Case

Clemenza's overriding responsibility is to his family. He takes a moment out of his routine madness to remember that he had promised his wife that he would bring dessert home. His instruction to his partner in crime is an entire moral manifesto in six little words: 'Leave the gun. Take the cannoli. By Sarah Vowell Clemenza Family Overriding Responsibility Leave

I am not a bed-and breakfast person. I understand why other people would want to stay in B&Bs. They're pretty. They're personal. They're "quaint," a polite way of saying "no TV." They are "romantic," i.e., every object large enough for a flower to be printed on it is going to have a flower printed on it. They're "cozy," meaning that a guest has to keep her belongings on the floor because every conceivable flat surface is covered in knickknacks, except for the one knickknack she longs for, a remote control. By Sarah Vowell Person Bedand Breakfast Flower Printed

We were breathing sooty air. The soot was composed of incinerated glass and steel but also, we knew, incinerated human flesh. When the local TV news announced that rescue workers sorting through the rubble in search of survivors were in need of toothpaste, half my block, having heard that there was finally something we could actually do besides worry and grieve, had already cleaned out the most popular brands at the corner deli by the time I got there, so at the rescue workers' headquarters I sheepishly dropped off fourteen tubes of Sensodyne, the toothpaste for sensitive teeth.We were members of the same body, breathing the cremated lungs of the dead and hoping to clean the teeth of the living.(Pg. 53) By Sarah Vowell Air Breathing Sooty Incinerated Rescue

Having studied art history, as opposed to political history, I tend to incorporate found objects into my books. Just as Pablo Picasso glued a fragment of furniture onto the canvas of Still Life with Chair Caning, I like to use whatever's lying around to paint pictures of the past--traditional pigment like archival documents but also the added texture of whatever bits and bobs I learn from looking out bus windows or chatting up people I bump into on the road. By Sarah Vowell History Books Studied Art Opposed

But before we cue the brass section to blare "The Stars and Stripes Forever," it might be worth taking another moment of melancholy silence to mourn the thwarted reconciliation with the mother country and what might have been. Anyone who accepts the patriots' premise that all men are created equal must come to terms with the fact that the most obvious threat to equality in eighteenth-century North America was not taxation without representation but slavery. Parliament would abolish slavery in the British Empire in 1833, thirty years before President Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation. A return to the British fold in 1776 might have freed American slaves three decades sooner, which is what, a generation and a half? Was independence for some of us more valuable than freedom for all of us? As the former slave Frederick Douglass put it in an Independence Day speech in 1852, "This is your Fourth of July, not mine. By Sarah Vowell Forever Stars Stripes British Blare

A humble, bootstrappy patriot, Knox wooed, then married Lucy Flucker, the highbrow daughter of the Loyalist governor of the province of Massachusetts. By Sarah Vowell Knox Flucker Massachusetts Lucy Loyalist

Mutual Criticism required a member of the group to stand up in front of everybody and listen to the enumeration of his or her faults. The bright side of being that night's subject for criticism was the rare treat at Oneida of being the center of attention. The downside was that everyone you knew and loved was allowed, even encouraged, to look into your eyes and ask, You know what your problem is? By Sarah Vowell Criticism Mutual Faults Required Member

Heaven, such as it is, is right here on earth. Behold: my revelation: I stand at the door in the morning, and lo, there is a newspaper, in sight like unto an emerald. And holy, holy, holy is the coffee, which was, and is, and is to come. And hark, I hear the voice of an angel round about the radio saying, "Since my baby left me I found a new place to dwell." And lo, after this I beheld a great multitude, which no man could number, of shoes. And after these things I will hasten unto a taxicab and to a theater, where a ticket will be given unto me, and lo, it will be a matinee, and a film that doeth great wonders. And when it is finished, the heavens will open, and out will cometh a rain fragrant as myrrh, and yea, I have an umbrella. By Sarah Vowell Holy Earth Great Behold Revelation

I wish that in order to secure his party's nomination, a presidential candidate would be required to point at the sky and name all the stars; have the periodic table of the elements memorized; rattle off the kings and queens of Spain; define the significance of the Gatling gun; joke around in Latin; interpret the symbolism in seventeenth-century Dutch painting; explain photosynthesis to a six-year-old; recite Emily Dickenson; bake a perfect popover; build a shortwave radio out of a coconut; and know all the words to Hoagy Carmichael's "Two Sleepy People", Johnny Cash's "Five Feet High and Rising", and "You Got the Silver" by the Rolling Stones ... What we need is a president who is at least twelve kinds of nerd, a nerd messiah to come along every four years, acquire the Secret Service code name Poindexter, install a Revenge of the Nerds screen saver on the Oval Office computer, and one by one decrypt our woes. By Sarah Vowell Spain Latin Dickenson Carmichael People

By journey's end the brides were much better acquainted with their grooms and more or less pleased with the matches. Sybil Bingham wrote in her diary, thanking God for answering her prayer for filling "the void" with a husband like Hiram, a "treasure rich and undeserved." Having read his insufferable memoir, "A Residence of Twenty-one Years in the Sandwich Islands", all I can say is: I'm happy for her? By Sarah Vowell Matches Journey End Brides Acquainted

But I have never had the privilege of unhappiness in Happy Valley. California is about the good life. So a bad life there seems so much worse than a bad life anywhere else. Quality is an obsession there - good food, good wine, good movies, music, weather, cars. Those sound like the right things to shoot for, but the never-ending quality quest is a lot of pressure when you're uncertain and disorganized and, not least, broker than broke. Some afternoons a person just wants to rent Die Hard, close the curtains, and have Cheerios for lunch. By Sarah Vowell Valley Happy Good Life Privilege

If we fail in our negotiation," Greene told Lafayette en route to d'Estaing's ship, "we shall at least get a good dinner." Washington should have chosen Greene, not Sullivan, to steer this mission. Besides his cool head and personal interest in helping his home state, Greene understood that whatever their shortcomings, the French could always be counted on to roast the hell out of a chicken. Greene By Sarah Vowell Lafayette Greene Ship Negotiation Dinner

One night last summer, all the killers in my head assembled on a stage in Massachusetts to sing show tunes. By Sarah Vowell Massachusetts Summer Tunes Night Killers

When I think about my relationship with America, I feel like a battered wife: Yeah, he knocks me around a lot, but boy, he sure can dance. By Sarah Vowell Yeah America Wife Lot Boy

Looking back, I wonder why a gangster movie kidnapped my life. The Godfather had nothing to do with me. I was a feminist, not Italian, and I went to school at Montana State. I had never set foot in New York, thought ravioli came only in a can, and wasn't blind to the fact that all the women in the film were either virgins, mothers, whores, or Diane Keaton. By Sarah Vowell Back Life Gangster Movie Kidnapped

that August an ominous and unprecedented British armada of 450 ships and boats carrying forty-five thousand British soldiers and sailors, as well as the rented Germanic troops known as the Hessians (of Headless Horseman fame), assembled in New York Harbor By Sarah Vowell British Hessians Harbor August Germanic

I'm a big fan of editing and keeping only the interesting bits in. By Sarah Vowell Big Fan Editing Keeping Interesting

There are freaky talking mannequins in the Salem Witch Museum that recite the Lord's Prayer and while they do resemble shrunken apples they nevertheless help the visitor understand how hard it must have been for the condemned to say the line about forgiving those who trespass against us. By Sarah Vowell Salem Witch Museum Lord Prayer

Still, as a kid, History Repeats Itself terrified me, mostly because I was a God-fearing child. And I mean that literally. God scared me stiff, what with the turning human beings into salt and getting them swallowed up by whales, plus the locusts and famines and, not least, making sure his own kid gets nailed to death onto wood. Every time someone would die - a cousin or grandparent or Elvis - some relative preacher would there-there it away by saying that God has a plan, and we simply have no way of knowing what that plan is. But we did know. We learned about His plan every week at Sunday school. It's called Armageddon! By Sarah Vowell History Repeats Godfearing Child Terrified

Back inside, I'm shown an antique cabinet in which members of the community, famous for their homegrown produce, dried herbs.The Oneida Community was an upstate tourist attraction right from the start, second, Valesky says, to Niagara Falls. I'm taking the same guided tour offered a hundred and fifty years ago to prim rubbernecks who came here to peep at sex fiends. I wonder how many of my vacationing forebears went home disappointed? They thought they were taking the train to Gomorrah but instead they got to watch herbs dry. Valesky opens a drawer in the herb cabinet so I can get a whiff. He mentions that back in the day, when one tourist was shown the cabinet she rudely asked her community-member guide, "What's that odor?" To which the guide replied, "Perhaps it's the odor of crushed selfishness." Valesky grins. "How about that for a utopian answer?" To my not particularly utopian nose, crushed selfishness smells a lot like cilantro. By Sarah Vowell Community Falls Oneida Niagara Valesky

Standing there at Powell's grave, telling my nephew about a buried skull, I realize how much of our relationship revolves around body parts and severed heads. Once Owen learned to walk, we started playing a game I call Frankenstein, in which I am Frankenstein's monster and I chase him around trying to harvest his organs and appendages because my master is building another boy. "Frankenstein needs your spleen," I yell, aping the voice of an announcer at a monster truck rally. "Give me your spleen!" Which is why the seemingly gross book I gave him for his birthday, a collection of poetry for children called The Blood-Hungry Spleen was actually a sentimental choice, even though my sister tells me it didn't go over so well when he brought it to preschool. By Sarah Vowell Powell Frankenstein Spleen Standing Grave

I have this recurring nightmare in which I have to move back in with my old college roommates. I'll admit, that's what I was expecting to find at Oneida. The 19th century equivalent of sharing a house with the friend who brought home a crazy drifter to sleep on our couch - a man who claimed the local car dealership was built out of 'needles nourishing the earth'. The week before I went to Oneida, I had that claustrophobic dream again - that I had to move back in with the girl who claimed to enjoy baking and always promised tomorrow was going to be 'Muffin Day!' even though tomorrow was never Muffin Day. It was Muffin Day maybe once. By Sarah Vowell Muffin Day Oneida Roommates Move

a man without birth, without courage, without conduct. For my part, I declare, sir, it shall never be said that I made such a man my master. By Sarah Vowell Birth Courage Conduct Man Sir

The most important reason I am concentrating on Winthrop and his shipmates in the 1630s is that the country I live in is haunted by the Puritans' vision of themselves as God's chosen people, as a beacon of righteousness that all others are to admire. By Sarah Vowell Winthrop Puritans God People Admire

This is a sappy way to put it, but the Winthrop who warns Williams is the Winthrop I fell in love with, the Winthrop Cotton Mather celebrates for sharing his firewood with the needy, the Winthrop who scolds Thomas Dudley for overcharging the poor, the Winthrop of 'Christian Charity,' who called for 'enlargement toward others' and 'brotherly affection,' admonishing that 'if thy brother be in want and thou canst help him ... if thou lovest God thou must help him. By Sarah Vowell Winthrop Christian Charity Williams Cotton

The same wakefulness the individual Calvinist was to use to keep watch over his own sins Winthrop and Cotton called for also in the group at large. This humility, this fear, was what kept their delusions of grandeur in check. That's what subsequent generations lost. From New England's Puritans we inherited the idea that America is blessed and ordained by God above all nations, but lost the fear of wrath and retribution. By Sarah Vowell Calvinist Winthrop Cotton Large Wakefulness

Professor Winthrop delivered an influential lecture at Harvard proposing the earthquake might have been caused by heat and pressure below the surface of the earth. With God's help, of course, but God comes off as an engineer instead of a hothead vigilante.) By Sarah Vowell Winthrop Harvard Professor Earth God

Winthrop and his shipmates and their children and their children's children just wrote their own books and pretty much kept their noses in them up until the day God created the Red Sox. By Sarah Vowell Children Sox God Red Winthrop

In other words, after Winthrop has acquired all his butter firkins, food stirrers, and beer along with six dozen candles, twenty thousand biscuits, and twenty-nine sides of beef, he goes through the Bible and writes down a bunch of verses commanding him to be willing to cheerfully give all that stuff away. My firkin is your firkin being one of Christianity's primary creeds. By Sarah Vowell Winthrop Bible Words Food Stirrers

Turgot turned out to be correct regarding this chilling prophecy: "War we ought to shun as the greatest of evils, since it will render impossible for a very long time, and perhaps forever, the reform which is absolutely necessary for the prosperity of the State and for the relief of the people." In other words, every cent the French government spent on guns for the Americans was another centime it would not have to spend on butter for the starving peasants who would one day storm Versailles. The By Sarah Vowell War State Turgot Prophecy Evils

Owen is the most Hitchcockian preschooler I ever met. He's three. He knows maybe ninety word and one of them is 'crypt'? By Sarah Vowell Hitchcockian Owen Met Preschooler Crypt

Take for example the commencement address he [James Garfield] delivered at his alma mater Hiram College in the summer of 1880 ... The only thing stopping this address from turning into a slacker parable is the absence of the word 'dude'. By Sarah Vowell James Garfield Hiram College Delivered

The last line of Hawaii's Story by Hawaii's Queen is addressed to the American people and their congressmen. "As they deal with me and my people, kindly, generously, and justly, so may the Great Ruler of all nations deal with the grand and glorious nation of the United States of America." It's clever to imply that if the U.S. swallows up her little country, God will smite it. As I reread the last sentance of a book written by a Hawaiian queen wh was taught to read and write by American missionaries, her final thought seems emblematic of how hierarchical Hawaiians adapted to Christianity. Jehovah, "the Great Ruler of all nations," is the highest high chief in the universe. By Sarah Vowell Hawaii Story American Great Ruler

I love reading and am always stuck in one labrinth of letters or other By Sarah Vowell Love Reading Stuck Labrinth Letters

Listening to the radio every day for an entire year was a prison sentence. It was the most depressing, annoying, debilitating project I have ever undertaken, and I have a master's degree in art history. By Sarah Vowell Listening Sentence Annoying Radio Day

In the forensics novels the contents of a victim's pockets on the night of her death Say Something about her character. My Ford's Theatre ticket stub and Jimmy Carter key chain say that I am the corniest, goody-goody person in town. Luckily, I survived the evening unscathed so no one will ever find out about that losery Jimmy Carter key chain. By Sarah Vowell Carter Jimmy Character Key Forensics

Then, as if getting blown up is not enough to worry about, after I take a seat on the steps, I get a look at the choir. Thirty singers and from where I'm sitting, it looks like only two of them are black. It's not like I'm saying suburban white people shouldn't sing. Because I love Van Halen's Hot for Teacher. By Sarah Vowell Steps Choir Blown Worry Seat

I told her that my happy yellow teapot has a kinky backstory involving a nineteenth-century vegetarian sex cult in upstate New York whose members lived for three decades as self-proclaimed "Bible communists" before incorporating into the biggest supplier of dinnerware to the American food-service industry, not to mention harboring their most infamous resident, an irritating young maniac who, years after he moved away, was hanged for assassinating President Garfield. By Sarah Vowell Bible Garfield York American President

Except for the people who were there that one day they discovered the polio vaccine, being part of history is rarely a good idea. History is one war after another with a bunch of murders and natural disasters in between. By Sarah Vowell Vaccine Idea History People Day

Cotton says, "If God be the gardener, who shall pluck up what he sets down?" Hear that, Indians? No weeding of the white people allowed. Unless they're Catholic. Or one of those Satan-worshipping Virginians. By Sarah Vowell God Indians Cotton Gardener Pluck

Protestantism's evolution away from hierarchy and authority has enormous consequences for America and the world. On the one hand, the democratization of religion runs parallel to political democratization. The king of England, questioning the pope, inspires English subjects to question the king and his Anglican bishops. Such dissent is backed up by a Bible full of handy Scripture arguing for arguing with one's kIng. This is the root of self-government in the English-speaking world. By Sarah Vowell America Protestantism King Evolution Hierarchy

But truth be told, I'm not as dour-looking as I would like. I'm stuck with this round, sweetie-pie face, tiny heart-shaped lips, the daintiest dimples, and apple cheeks so rosy I appear in a perpetual blush. At five foot four, I barely squeak by average height. And then there's my voice: straight out of second grade. I come across so young and innocent and harmless that I have been carded for buying maple syrup. Tourists feel more safe approaching me for directions, telemarketers always ask if my mother is home, and waitresses always, always call me 'Hon. By Sarah Vowell Told Truth Dourlooking Hon Round

Jeff Davis's name they'll proudly praise, ah ha, ah ha And Lincoln's tomb will be disgraced, ah ha, ah ha The nation's flag will lose its stars The stripes they'll change to rebel bars And we'll all wear gray if the Johnnies get into power By Sarah Vowell Davis Lincoln Johnnies Jeff Praise

If I looked in the mirror someday and saw no dark circles under my eyes, I would probably look better. I just wouldn't look like me. By Sarah Vowell Eyes Looked Mirror Someday Dark

I'm not really the scented envelope kid of girl, preferring instead to send yellow Jiffy-lite mailers packed with whatever song is on my mind. By Sarah Vowell Jiffylite Girl Preferring Mind Scented

Everyone says that love requires the utmost honesty, but that's not entirely true. Once I knew that my father was suffering for my sake - really suffering - I learned that love, especially the parental kind, requires the heartwarming sacrifice that can only accompany fake enthusiasm. By Sarah Vowell Love Requires Honesty True Utmost

There are people who look forward to spending their sunset years in the sunshine; it is my own retirement dream to await my death indoors, dragging strangers up dusty staircases while coughing up one of the most thrilling phrases in the English language: "It was on this spot ... " My fantasy is to one day become a docent. By Sarah Vowell English Sunshine Indoors Dragging Language

Until the first petroleum well was drilled in Pennsylvania in 1859, whale oil *was* oil. In Leviathan, a fine history of whaling, Eric Jay Dolin enumerates whale Phil's manifold applications: 'It was used in the production of soap, textiles, leather, paints, and varnishes, and it lubricated the tools and machines that drove the Industrial Revolution.' In fact, its use as a lubricant impervious to extremes in temperature persisted well into the space age NASA lubed its moon landers and other remotely operated vehicles with sperm whale oil until the International Whaling Commission banned commercial whaling in 1986. By Sarah Vowell Pennsylvania Whale Oil Whaling Petroleum

To me, the highlight of the event is watching a reenactor in a long striped dress sitting alone on a blanket, winding yarn. Absorbed in the task of wrapping strands of wool around her hand, she never looks up. Watching her is so mesmerizing and oddly sacred that it never occurs to me to interrupt her and ask her name or how she got into the yarn-winding reenactment biz, maybe because she isn't recreating; she is creating. By Sarah Vowell Blanket Winding Yarn Highlight Event

I've encountered my fair share of war reenactors over the years, but I've never seen a reenactment of this banal predicament: a tired woman in a dark house answering a child who is supposed to be asleep that she has no idea when Daddy's coming home. By Sarah Vowell Daddy Years Predicament Home Encountered

Being a nerd, which is to say going too far and caring too much about a subject, is the best way to make friends I know. By Sarah Vowell Nerd Subject Caring Make Friends

Just the other day, I was in my neighborhood Starbucks, waiting for the post office to open. I was enjoying a chocolatey cafe mocha when it occurred to me that to drink a mocha is to gulp down the entire history of the New World. From the Spanish exportation of Aztec cacao, and the Dutch invention of the chemical process for making cocoa, on down to the capitalist empire of Hershey, PA, and the lifestyle marketing of Seattle's Starbucks, the modern mocha is a bittersweet concoction of imperialism, genocide, invention, and consumerism served with whipped cream on top. By Sarah Vowell Starbucks Mocha Day Waiting Open

I am drawn to Tom Sawyer Island because a tribute to Mark Twain would not be out of place in a theme park of my own design. Should Vowell World ever get enough investors, I'm going to stick my Tom Sawyer Island in Love and Death in the American Novel Land right between the Jay Gatsby Swimming Pool and Tom Joad's Dust Bowl Lanes, a Depression-themed bowling alley renting artfully worn-out shoes. By Sarah Vowell Tom Sawyer Island Mark Twain

With temperatures dropping, how could men without shirts expect to fend off opponents so blatantly well equipped with outerwear that they were nicknamed the redcoats? By Sarah Vowell Dropping Redcoats Temperatures Men Shirts

The irony of informing nearly naked people in a wilderness setting about the story of naked Adam and Eve eating the fruit of knowledge and inventing the fashion industry due to a sudden need for clothing to hide their shame is not lost on Williams. By Sarah Vowell Williams Adam Eve Naked Irony

Wainwright prayed to the graven image of Lafayette, since neither the president nor Congress seemed to be listening. "We, the women of the United States," she told the bronze Lafayette, "denied the liberty which you helped to gain, and for which we have asked in vain for sixty years, turn to you to plead for us. Speak, Lafayette, dead these hundred years but still living in the hearts of the American people. By Sarah Vowell Lafayette Congress Wainwright Listening Prayed

When Lafayette visited Monticello in 1824, his old friend Thomas Jefferson toasted him: When I was stationed in his country for the purpose of cementing its friendship with ours, and of advancing our mutual interests, this friend of both, was my most powerful auxiliary and advocate. He made our cause his own . . . His influence and connections there were great. All doors of all departments were open to him at all times. In truth, I only held the nail, he drove it. By Sarah Vowell Lafayette Monticello Thomas Jefferson Friend

I seem to have no problem revealing my crush on the man who murdered Lincoln. By Sarah Vowell Lincoln Problem Revealing Crush Man

While technically Maryland remained in the Union during the Civil War, it was the border state, a schizophrenic no-man's-land with the North at its door and the South in its heart. By Sarah Vowell War Maryland Union Civil North

My lips are chapped from the winds of change. By Sarah Vowell Change Lips Chapped Winds

But when I am around strangers, I turn into a conversational Mount St. Helens. I'm dormant, dormant, quiet, quiet, old-guy loners build log cabins on the slopes of my silence and then, boom, it's 1980. Once I erupt, they'll be wiping my verbal ashes off their windshields as far away as North Dakota. By Sarah Vowell Helens Mount Quiet Strangers Dormant

In other words, the most ardent republicans since the fall of Rome were asking their king to help them prevail over the representative legislature of the world's oldest constitutional monarchy, the great symbol and protector of British freedom. From By Sarah Vowell Rome British Words Monarchy Freedom

The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States." More important, all of Jefferson's specific digs at the king were preceded by one self-evident fact that obliterated any and all justifications for monarchy, aristocracy, and colonialism until the end of time, even though neither its author nor his comrades truly believed it: All men are created equal. A By Sarah Vowell History States Great Britain Tyranny

The people who visit the [Lincoln] memorial always look like an advertisement for democracy, so bizarrely, suspiciously diverse that one time I actually saw a man in a cowboy hat standing there reading the Gettysburg Address next to a Hasidic Jew. I wouldn't have been surprised if they had linked arms with a woman in a burka and a Masai warrior, to belt out 'It's a Small World After All,' flanked by a chorus line of nuns and field-tripping, rainbow-skinned schoolchildren By Sarah Vowell Lincoln Jew Gettysburg Address Hasidic

And thus ever works the pallid academic mind, denying the real, exalting the fictitious and the false, incapable of adjusting itself to the flow of living things, to the reality and the pathos of man's follies, to the valiant hope that ever causes him to aspire, and again to aspire; that never lifts a hand in aid because it cannot . . . when what the world needs is courage, common sense and human sympathy, and a moral standard that is plain, valid and livable. By Sarah Vowell Aspire Mind Denying Real Exalting

The model for South America was Broadway actress Maxine Elliot. North America, a pretty blonde, was modeled on Maud Coleman Woods of Charlottesville, Virginia. (Sadly, she would die of typhoid fever that summer, ten days before McKinley arrived in Buffalo, thereby never living to see herself on a coaster, every southern belle's dream.) By Sarah Vowell Elliot South Broadway Maxine America

In other words, every cent the French government spent on guns for the Americans was another centime it would not have to spend on butter for the starving peasants who would one day storm Versailles. By Sarah Vowell Versailles French Americans Words Cent

The thing that drew me to Lafayette as a subject - that he was that rare object of agreement in the ironically named United States - kept me coming back to why that made him unique. Namely, that we the people never agreed on much of anything. Other than a bipartisan consensus on barbecue and Meryl Streep, plus that time in 1942 when everyone from Bing Crosby to Oregonian school children heeded FDR's call to scrounge up rubber for the war effort, disunity is the through line in the national plot - not necessarily as a failing, but as a free people's privilege. And thanks to Lafayette and his cohorts in Washington's army, plus the king of France and his navy, not to mention the founding dreamers who clearly did not think through what happens every time one citizen's pursuit of happiness infuriates his neighbor, getting on each other's nerves is our right. By Sarah Vowell States United Lafayette Subject Unique

You know your country has a checkered past when you find yourself sitting around pondering the humanitarian upside of sticking with the British Empire. By Sarah Vowell Empire British Country Checkered Past

In the U.S.A., we want to sing along with the chorus and ignore the verses, ignore the blues ... No one is going to hold up a cigarette lighter in a stadium to the tune of "mourn together, suffer together." City on a hill, though that has a backbeat we can dance to. And that's why the citizens of the United States not only elected and reelected Ronald Reagan; that's why we ARE Ronald Reagan. By Sarah Vowell Ignore Reagan Verses Blues Ronald

After Hiram Bingham built the first church on Oahu the student recalls, When it was completed some of the natives said among themselves, 'That house of worship built by the haoles is a place in which they will pray us all to death. It is meant to kill us. By Sarah Vowell Hiram Bingham Oahu Built Recalls

When one of a culture's guiding credos is that "all men are created equal," any person who, say, becomes an expert on, say, nuclear weapons or, say, ecology, i.e., anyone who distinguishes himself through mental excellence, is a nuisance. By Sarah Vowell Ecology Equal Nuclear Excellence Nuisance

I probably am a cranky writer, but I am actually a fairly nice, normal person. Since I'm a grouchy writer, of course I have friends whose books are doing way better than mine. By Sarah Vowell Writer Nice Normal Person Cranky

If Americans can transform Memorial Day, technically a remembrance of all our war dead ever, into the official kickoff of summer, we can handle adapting one demoralizing battle into a wholesome, chipper get-together. By Sarah Vowell Day Americans Memorial Technically Summer

It's worth pointing out that [Herman Melville] worked in [the New York Custom House] as a deputy customs inspector between 1866 and 1885. Nineteen years, and he never got a raise - four dollars a day, six days a week. He was by then a washed-up writer, forgotten and poor. I used to find this subject heartbreaking, a waste: the greatest living American author was forced to spend his days writing tariff reports instead of novels. But now, knowing what I know about the sleaze of the New York Custom House, and the honorable if bitter decency with which Melville did his job, I have come to regard literature's loss as the republic's gain. Great writers are a dime a dozen in New York. But an honest customs inspector in the Gilded Age? Unheard of. By Sarah Vowell Herman York House Melville Worked

But the Grateful Dead, as the fanatic fans point out, are a way of life: someone else's. Twentieth-century teenagers, especially American ones, have been brilliant at creating their own culture, their own music, clothes, and point(s) of view. It's sad and fraudulent that the kind of wholesale worship of some historical way of life has settled over so many young people, infecting them like a noxious gas ... I love the deadgrew up in the thrall of Shakespeare and Hank Williams and James Dean. And I adore the Rolling Stones. But there's a difference between cherishing "Satisfaction" and wearing Keith Richards' hair while doing Keith Richards' drugs. I don't want to be Keith Richards. I wanna be me. Notlike the neo-Deadheadsjust another extra in an overblown costume drama about something that wasn't that interesting the first time around. By Sarah Vowell Dead Grateful Keith Point Life

Reathing secondhand smoke, being subject to unfair dairy pricing, and not being able to mime (or lap dance), though they are all tragic, tragic injustices, are not quite as bad as the systematic segregation of public transportation based on skin color. And while fighting for your right to lap dance and mime and breathe just regular pollution is a very fine, very American idea, it is not quite as brave as being middle-aged black woman in Alabama in 1955 telling a white man she's not giving him her seat despite the fact that the law requires her to do so. By Sarah Vowell Tragic Reathing Smoke Pricing Injustices

In The Bloudy Tenent, Williams points out that Constantine "did more to hurt Christ Jesus than the raging fury of the most bloody Neroes." at least under the Christian persecutor Nero, who was rumored to have had the Apostle Paul beheaded and Saint Peter crucified upside down, Christianity was a pure (if hazardous) way of life. But when Constantine himself converted to Christianity, that's when the Church was corrupted and perverted by the state. Williams explains that under Constantine, "the gardens of Christ's churches turned into the wildernesss of national religion, and the world (under Constantine's dominion) to the most unchristian Christendom." Legalizing, legitimizing the Church turned Christianity into just another branch of government enforced by "the sword of civil power," i.e., through state-sponsored violence. By Sarah Vowell Constantine Christianity Tenent Neroes Nero

In these fast and fickle times, it's nice to know that there are some things you can always count on: the enduring brilliance of the last page of The Great Gatsby; the near-religious harmonies of the Beach Boys' "California Girls"; and the lifelong friendship of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. By Sarah Vowell Gatsby Boys California Girls Affleck

I hated the lost colony; in second grade, we were doing American History, and they said, We don't know what happened to them. That drove me nuts. That lost colony drove me crazy. By Sarah Vowell History American Grade Lost Colony

Lafayette took umbrage - just gobs and gobs of umbrage - at the patriots' vilification of his countrymen for leaving Newport. By Sarah Vowell Newport Umbrage Lafayette Gobs Patriots

Acts 16:9 is the meddler's motto, simultaneously selfless and self-serving, generous but stuck-up. Into every generation of Americans is born a new crop of buttinskys sniffing out the latest Macedonia that may or may not want their help. By Sarah Vowell Acts Motto Simultaneously Selfserving Generous

Not until Theodore Roosevelt resigned his prestigious position as assistant secretary of the navy in 1898 to fight with the Rough Riders in the Cuban dirt would there be a rich man as weirdly rabid to join American forces in combat as Lafayette was. The two shared a child's ideal of manly military glory. Though in Lafayette's defense, he was an actual teenager, unlike the thirty-nine-year-old TR. By Sarah Vowell Theodore Roosevelt Rough Riders Cuban

I like that the Mall serves as our national Tuppaware, reliable and empty, waiting to be filled with potluck whatever. By Sarah Vowell Tuppaware Mall Reliable Empty Waiting

French was assigned to sculpt allegorical figures of the continents. His America, from 1907, is one of the most concise depictions of our history I've ever seen: a European stepping on a Mayan head. By Sarah Vowell French Continents Assigned Sculpt Allegorical

Buffy's high school was built on top of a vortex of evil, the Hellmouth. And whose wasn't? By Sarah Vowell Hellmouth Buffy Evil High School

In America, on the ordinate plane of faith versus reason, the x-axis of faith intersects with the y-axis of reason at the zero point of "I don't give a damn what you think". By Sarah Vowell America Faith Reason Ordinate Plane

In Woody Allen movies people stood in line for Ingmar Bergman films or Holocaust documentaries talking up media theory to pass the time. At 16 that was my idea of fun. Now that I live in New York I can tell you that people lined up for tickets don't debate theory. They talk about cute guys at the gym or whether or not they live within walking distance of a Krispy Kreme. I was such a young fogy that growing up involved becoming less mature. By Sarah Vowell Woody Allen Ingmar Bergman Holocaust

So, the moral of that story, other than never underestimate an independent bookseller, was that the Continental Army and its commander in chief had a soft spot for Chief Artillery Officer Henry Knox. By Sarah Vowell Knox Chief Continental Army Artillery

Hamilton, aware the war was winding down and that this was likely his last shot at glory, went over Lafayette's head and appealed to Washington, who overruled Lafayette and allowed Hamilton to lead. By Sarah Vowell Lafayette Washington Hamilton Aware Glory

After Dickinson and Adams had it out over the Olive Branch Petition, Adams wrote to his wife, Abigail, that he and Dickinson "are not to be on speaking terms." How sad is it that this tiff sort of cheers me up? If two of the most distinguished, dedicated, and thoughtful public servants in the history of this republic could not find a way to agree to disagree, how can we expect the current crop of congressional blockheads to get along? By Sarah Vowell Dickinson Adams Abigail Petition Olive

That Steuben, who needed a translator, what with his English vocabulary consisting almost entirely of swear words, ended up being the perfect hire to upgrade the Continental Army should rattle every search committee, small-business owner, casting director, college admissions officer, headhunter, and voter. By Sarah Vowell Headhunter Steuben English Continental Army

The most meaningful namesake by far is Lafayette Square, across the street from the White House. Also known as Lafayette Park, this is the nation's capital of protest, the place where we the people gather together to yell at our presidents. In each corner of this seven-acre park stands a statue of four of the most revered European officers who served in the Revolutionary War: Lafayette, Rochambeau, Steuben, and Thaddeus Kosciuszko, the Polish engineer whose defensive works contributed to the Continental Army's victory at Saratoga. By Sarah Vowell Lafayette Square House White Park

While the melodrama of hucking crates of tea into Boston Harbor continues to inspire civic-minded hotheads to this day, it's worth remembering the hordes of stoic colonial women who simply swore off tea and steeped basil leaves in boiling water to make the same point. What's more valiant: littering from a wharf or years of doing chores and looking after children from dawn to dark without caffeine? By Sarah Vowell Boston Harbor Tea Day Point

For Americans, Acts 16:9 is the high-fructose corn syrup of Bible versesan all-purpose ingredient we'll stir into everything from the ink on the Marshall Plan to canisters of Agent Orange. Our greatest goodness and our worst impulses come out of this missionary zeal, contributing to our overbearing (yet not entirely unwarranted) sense of our country as an inherently helpful force in the world. And, as with the apostle Paul, the notion that strangers want our help is sometimes a delusion. By Sarah Vowell Americans Acts Orange Bible Marshall

Quoting Kipling, I never got over the wonder of a people who, having extirpated the aboriginals of their continent more completely than any modern race had ever done, honestly believed they were a godly little New England community, setting examples to mankind. By Sarah Vowell Kipling England Quoting Honestly Community

I loved that these two guys argued with each other as if movies actually mattered. Nobody I knew talked about movies that way, but Siskel and Ebert took each movie as it came and talked about whether it was a success on its own terms. By Sarah Vowell Mattered Loved Guys Argued Movies

Of course Americans celebrate Independence Day as opposed to Yorktown Day. Who wants to barbecue a hot dog and ponder how we owe our independence to the French navy? Who wants to twirl sparklers and dwell on how the French government's expenditures in America contributed to the bankruptcy that sparked the French Revolution that would send Rochambeau to prison, Lafayette into exile (then prison), and our benefactor His Most Christian Majesty Louis XVI to the guillotine. By Sarah Vowell Day French Americans Yorktown Independence

There is a jarring disconnect between what I want my real-life intelligence officers to be doing versus what I want my fake TV intelligence officers to be doing. By Sarah Vowell Officers Intelligence Jarring Disconnect Reallife

But there's still this combination of governmental ineptitude, shortsightedness, stinginess, corruption, and neglect that affected the Continentals before, during, and after Valley Forge that twenty-first-century Americans are not entirely unfamiliar with. While By Sarah Vowell Shortsightedness Stinginess Corruption Americans Continentals

I've always had these fantasies about being in a normal family in which the parents come to town and their adult daughter spends their entire visit daydreaming of suicide. I'm here to tell you that dreams really do come true. By Sarah Vowell Suicide Fantasies Normal Family Parents

I talk about going to [George W. Bush's] Inauguration and cryingwhen he took the oath, 'cause I was so afraid he was going towreck the economy and muck up the drinking water' ... the failure ofmy pessimistic imagination at that moment boggles my mind now. By Sarah Vowell George Bush Inauguration Oath Water

Dig deep into its communitarian ethos and it reads more like an America that might have been, an America fervently devoted to the quaint goals of working together and getting along. Of course, this America does exist. It's called Canada. By Sarah Vowell America Dig Deep Communitarian Ethos

On the other hand, Protestantism's shedding away of authority, as evidenced by my mother's proclamation that I needn't go to church or listen to a preacher to achieve salvation, inspires self-reliance - along with a dangerous disregard for expertise. So the impulse that leads to democracy can also be the downside of democracy - namely, a suspicion of people who know what they are talking about. It's why in U.S. presidential elections the American people will elect a wisecracking good ol'boy who's fun in a malt shop instead of a serious thinker who actually knows some of the pompous, brainy stuff that might actually get fewer people laid off or killed. By Sarah Vowell Protestantism Hand Authority Salvation Inspires

All those adorable towheaded kids in the promotional film are going to turn thirteen. Once a family member hits puberty, odds are that everybody is not going to have the same ideals. Unless everybody gets together and agrees that the new ideals involve turning the front yard into a skate ramp and officially changing Dad's name to Fuckhead. By Sarah Vowell Thirteen Adorable Towheaded Kids Promotional

The doo-wop stalker love song on a Cincinnati oldies stationyou broke up with me because I was an obnoxious jerk and now you're dating him, so I drive by your house and stare in your window every night, thereby proving that I'm an even bigger creep than you thought By Sarah Vowell Cincinnati Night Thought Doowop Stalker

The words Lafayette used to describe that triumph - "I did not hesitate to be disagreeable to preserve my independence" - applied to getting his way regarding America as well. Perhaps the most emblematic anecdote foretelling Lafayette's stubborn refusal to give up his American dream was the boyhood story about how one day, one of his Parisian schoolteachers was talking up the virtues of an obedient horse. According to Lafayette, "I described the perfect horse as one which, at the sight of the whip, had the sense to throw his rider to the ground before he could be whipped. By Sarah Vowell Lafayette America Triumph Independence Applied

As the starstruck Lafayette later described his first glimpse of Washington, "It was impossible to mistake for a moment his majestic figure and deportment; nor was he less distinguished by the noble affability of his manner." What a sweet memory. Still, it does get on my nerves how easy it is for tall people to make a good first impression. By Sarah Vowell Washington Lafayette Deportment Manner Starstruck

No cowboys for Canada. Canada got Mounties instead - Dudley Do-Right, not John Wayne. It's a mind-set of "Here I come to save the day" versus "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. By Sarah Vowell Canada Dudley Wayne Cowboys Mounties

Presidents and presidential assassins are like Las Vegas and Salt Lake City. Even though one city is all about sin and the other is all about salvation, they are identical, one-dimensional company towns built up by the sheer will of true believers. By Sarah Vowell Las Vegas Salt Lake Presidents

I resist the urge to raise my hand and utter the four most reassuring words in the English language: I know a guy. By Sarah Vowell English Language Guy Resist Urge

No one recorded what those marches were, though decades later there was an apocryphal and later-debunked story the one of the songs the British played was the on-the-nose The World Turned Upside Down. By Sarah Vowell British World Turned Upside Recorded

She is either male property (Mrs.), wannabe male property (Miss), or man-hating harpy (Ms.). By Sarah Vowell Mrs Miss Property Male Wannabe

I have watched enough science fiction films to accept that humanity's unchecked pursuit of learning will end with robots taking over the world. By Sarah Vowell World Watched Science Fiction Films

If there is a recurring theme in Garfield's diaries it's this: I'd rather be reading. By Sarah Vowell Garfield Reading Recurring Theme Diaries

Um," I asked, "isn't the whole point about being a slave that you don't have a choice to be anything else?" Prettying up the word slave with the adjective-noun constructions makes "enslaved African" sound nonchalant. As in "Those were the cabins of the jolly leprechauns. By Sarah Vowell Asked Slave Point Choice African

Part of the success of This American Life, I think, is due to the fact that none of us sound like we should be on the radio. We don't sound professional; we sound like people you would know. By Sarah Vowell Life American Sound Part Radio

The air has that bracing autumnal bite so that all you want to do is bob for apples or hang a witch or something. By Sarah Vowell Air Bracing Autumnal Bite Bob

Afterward, describing his division's accomplishments to Washington, Lafayette commended "Colonel Hamilton, whose well known talents and gallantry were on this occasion most conspicuous and serviceable." He wrote, "Our obligations to him, to Colonel Gimat, to Colonel Laurens, and to each and all the officers and men, are above expression. Not one gun was fired . . . and, owing to the conduct of the commanders and the bravery of the men, the redoubt was stormed with uncommon rapidity. By Sarah Vowell Colonel Washington Lafayette Hamilton Afterward

Like Lincoln, I would like to believe the ballot is stronger than the bullet. Then again, he said that before he got shot. By Sarah Vowell Lincoln Bullet Ballot Stronger Shot

Lafayette lifted his glass at one reception to toast 'the perpetual union of the United States,' adding, 'it has always saved us in time of storm; one day it will save the world.'" Whether By Sarah Vowell Adding States United Lafayette Toast

How sad is it that this tiff sort of cheers me up? If two of the most distinguished, dedicated, and thoughtful public servants in the history of this republic could not find a way to agree to disagree, how can we expect the current crop of congressional blockheads to get along? While By Sarah Vowell Sad Tiff Sort Cheers Dedicated

And the Americans were told they were going to attack this heavily defended position with unloaded muskets, just with their fixed bayonets. It was a nighttime attack and they didn't want to be shooting each other. They were commanded by that gentleman on your ten-dollar bill, Alexander Hamilton, the future secretary of the Treasury. By Sarah Vowell Americans Muskets Bayonets Attack Told

Like a lot of once devout people who have lost their faith, I had holes the size of heaven and hell in my head and in my heart. By Sarah Vowell Faith Heart Lot Devout People

Not that there wasn't still plenty of subduing to do here in North America. "Even within our own limits, the savage still lights his death fires, to appease the wrath of an idol," he points out. What's worse, to the "north, there is an immense region of palpable darkness." (Hi, Canada!) By Sarah Vowell America North Plenty Subduing Canada

As recently as fifty years ago my grandmother was picking cotton with bleeding fingers. I think about her all the time while I'm getting overpaid to sit at a computer, eat Chinese takeout, and think up things in my pajamas, The half century separating my fingers, which are moisturized with cucumber lotion and type eighty words per minute, and her bloody digits is an ordinary Land of Opportunity parable, and don't think I don't appreciate it. By Sarah Vowell Fingers Recently Fifty Years Ago

I swear on Peter Stuyvesant's peg leg that the country that became the U.S. bears a closer family resemblance to the devil-may-care merchants of New Amsterdam than it does to Boston's communitarian English majors. By Sarah Vowell Peter Stuyvesant Amsterdam Boston English

Mania for exact change can be off-putting for a traveler, what with getting yelled at by cashiers and cab drivers all day long for the crime of paying a sixteen-euro fare with a twenty-euro note. She said that it was nothing personal, that the French are naturally aggressive, especially with one another. Which I suppose is a form of equality, but not the sweet kind experienced by Lafayette. By Sarah Vowell Mania Traveler Note Exact Change

Experience is terribly important. You'll notice that the congressmen who want to hold up the government are all junior people and new to the game. And of course they will say, 'Oh, it's Washington cynicism, where they all compromise and work out backroom deals.' But that's actually how democracy works." Which By Sarah Vowell Experience Important Terribly Washington Game

The whole reason I wanted to take Owen to Disney World is that I fear that someday he's going to look through his childhood photo album and wonder why all his vacations with his aunt took pace at places like the McKinley Memorial and Wounded Knee. And yet here we are. Powell's cemetery was just too close to Cinderella's Castle for me to pass up. By Sarah Vowell Knee Owen Disney World Memorial

I didn't come from any kind of academic background, but I lived in a college town and I knew people who weren't without pretense. There was this idea in the town that if something was European it would be good. By Sarah Vowell Background Pretense Town Kind Academic

At a Clinton press conference, I'm given the luxury of daydreaming, of being comfortable enough that he could find Peru on a map, say, that I don't have to hang on his every word, praying he won't fuck up. By Sarah Vowell Clinton Peru Conference Daydreaming Map

I have intimate knowledge of what it was like to be young and uneasy and outraged under Reagan. My high school was 1980s America in miniature--you either belonged or you didn't, you learned to seek relief where you could find it. By Sarah Vowell Reagan Intimate Knowledge Young Uneasy

After Hymns and tears, they boarded the brig Thaddeus, a vessel so crappy, it made the Mayflower look like the QE2. By Sarah Vowell Thaddeus Hymns Mayflower Tears Crappy

For years they've grumbled that England is a cesspool governed by an immoral king under the spell of the Whore of Babylon, which is their cute nickname for the pope. By Sarah Vowell Babylon England Whore Pope Years

History is full of really good stories. That's the main reason I got into this racket: I want to make the argument that history is interesting. By Sarah Vowell Stories History Full Good Racket

The First Amendment, he explained, exposed tolerance as a sham, because tolerance implies one superior group of people deigning to put up with their inferiors. "It is now no more that toleration is spoken of as if it were the indulgence of one class of people that another enjoyed the exercise of their inherent natural rights," Washington wrote. "For, happily, the Government of the United States . . . gives to bigotry no sanction, to persecution no assistance." Of By Sarah Vowell Amendment Tolerance People Explained Exposed

Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves, Robert Lincoln bought a nice ski lodge. By Sarah Vowell Robert Lincoln Abraham Slaves Lodge

(The subject of Peter Gallagher's eyebrows, I realize, is a digression away from the Oneida Community, and yet, I do feel compelled, indeed almost conspiracy theoretically bound to mention that one of the reasons the Oneida Community broke up and turned itself into a corporate teapot factory is that a faction within the group, led by a lawyer named James William Towner, was miffed that the community's most esteemed elders were bogarting the teenage virgins and left in a huff for none other than Orange County, California, where Towner helped organize the Orange County government, became a judge, and picked the spot where the Santa Ana courthouse would be built, a courthouse where, it is reasonable to assume, Peter Gallagher's attorney on The O.C. might defend his clients.) By Sarah Vowell Community Oneida Peter Gallagher Orange

As Beaumarchais gathered blankets and grenades in France, William Howe's redcoats came ashore and slaughtered Washington's forces on Long Island, in Brooklyn, and then in Manhattan. A humiliated Washington could do nothing to stop his troops' shoddy retreat from Kips Bay, swatting at them with his horsewhip and howling, Are these the men with which I am to defend America? By Sarah Vowell France William Island Brooklyn Manhattan

I have a similar affection for the parenthesis (but I always take most of my parentheses out, so as not to call undue attention to the glaring fact that I cannot think in complete sentences, that I think only in short fragments or long, run-on thought relays that the literati call stream of consciousness but I still like to think of as disdain for the finality of the period). By Sarah Vowell Call Parenthesis Sentences Long Runon

You know, it's always good to have a synonym just for variety. By Sarah Vowell Variety Good Synonym

Relics are treasured as something close to the divine. By Sarah Vowell Relics Divine Treasured Close

Abraham Lincoln had a soft spot for deserters, whom he called his "legs cases." Though many of his military commanders grumbled about Lincoln's leniency - traditionally, runaways were shot - the president preferred incarceration to execution, asking, "If Almighty God gives a man a cowardly pair of legs how can he help their running away with him? By Sarah Vowell Lincoln Abraham Deserters Cases Legs

The names of the compact's signers, including Anne Hutchinson's husband, Will, are listed below the text. Here lies the deepest reason why the Woman's Healing Garden strikes me as so forlorn - that Hutchinson is remembered here by pink echinacea in bloom instead of on the Portsmouth Compact plaque, where she belongs. All of the signers were there because of her, because she stood up to Massachusetts and they stood with her. But all the signers were men. Anne Hutchinson wasn't allowed to sign the founding document of the colony she founded. By Sarah Vowell Hutchinson Compact Signers Including Husband

There is something aesthetically pleasing about trading one engraving - and old map - for another - American money. By Sarah Vowell American Engraving Map Money Aesthetically

When Lafayette met him in 1775, the first volume of Raynal's 1770 History of the Two Indies had already been banned, which is to say it was a popular success, the Catholic Church's Index of Forbidden Books being the unofficial bestseller list of the day. By Sarah Vowell Raynal History Lafayette Indies Catholic

One of the French officers was horrified that at a dinner in Washington's tent, His Excellency served the meal not in a succession of courses like in civilization. Apparently Washington "gave, on the same plate, meat, vegetables, and salad." On the same plate? Were these Americans people or animals? By Sarah Vowell French Excellency Washington Plate Tent

I am pro-plaque. By Sarah Vowell Proplaque

To me, every plaque, no matter what words are inscribed on it, says the same magic informative thing: Something happened! The gum cost a dollar, but the story was free. By Sarah Vowell Plaque Thing Happened Matter Words

I have a policy about that word "soul." It is strictly prohibited except in cases of converstations having to do with okra recipes or Marvin Gaye. By Sarah Vowell Soul Word Gaye Policy Marvin

I don't know how to describe the magnificence of Carlsbad Caverns without making it sound like a cartoon or a drug trip or a cartoon of a drug trip. The only thing I can say is that it is one of those dear places that make you love the world. By Sarah Vowell Drug Cartoon Trip Carlsbad Caverns

One of the slight variances between the Stalwarts and their fellow Republicans the Half-Breeds is that the Half-Breeds, partly out of frustration with the Civil War sainthood of Grant, were clean-shirt guys more interested in stumping for mild civil service reform - a platform whose merit would make for a less stirring campaign song. A bureaucrat should pass a test, hurrah, hurrah! By Sarah Vowell Civil Grant Halfbreeds Stalwarts Republicans

That, to me, is the quintessential experience of living in the United States: constantly worrying whether or not the country is about to fall apart. By Sarah Vowell States United Constantly Quintessential Experience

The more history I learn, the more the world fills up with stories. By Sarah Vowell Learn Stories History World Fills

I still believe in public radio's potential. Because it's the one mass medium that's still crafted almost entirely by true believers. By Sarah Vowell Potential Public Radio Believers Mass

The medieval pilgrimage routes, in which Christians walked from church to church to commune with the innards of saints, are the beginnings of the modern tourism industry. By Sarah Vowell Church Christians Routes Saints Industry

Let us thank God for having given us such ancestors; and let each successive generation thank Him, not less fervently, for being one step further from them in the march of ages. By Sarah Vowell God Ancestors Fervently Ages Successive

Despite his consistent party-line voting record, some independents and Democrats still think of Senator McCain as the most palatable, independent-minded Republican. But this is the sort of empty compliment a friend of mine once compared to being called the coolest Osmond. By Sarah Vowell Republican Democrats Senator Record Palatable

Considering Independence Hall was also where the founders calculated that a slave equals three-fifths of a person and cooked up an electoral college that lets Florida and Ohio pick our presidents, making an adolescent who barely spoke English a major general at the age I got hired to run the cash register at a Portland pizza joint was not the worst decision ever made there. By Sarah Vowell Independence Hall Florida Ohio English

That's what we Americans do when we find a place that's really special. We go there and act exactly like ourselves. And we are a bunch of fun-loving dopes. By Sarah Vowell Americans Special Find Place Act

The whole thing reminds me of graduate school seminars, except these people are smart and funny and have something interesting to say. By Sarah Vowell Seminars Thing Reminds Graduate School

As if I was never nicknamed 'Wednesday' as in 'Adams'. By Sarah Vowell Wednesday Adams Nicknamed

That story is proof of the theorem that then as today in Chicago, the mysterious equation of whiskey plus music equals what can only be called happiness. By Sarah Vowell Chicago Happiness Story Proof Theorem

We the people have never agreed on much of anything. ... [D]isunity is the through-line in the national plot. Not necessarily as a failing, but as a free people's privileged. By Sarah Vowell Agreed People Isunity Plot Failing

Lafayette, on the other hand, was more of a make-your-own-destiny type of fellow, disobeying orders from the king and abandoning a pregnant girl for an entirely optional adventure. By Sarah Vowell Lafayette Hand Type Fellow Disobeying

As a Frenchman who represented neither North nor South, East nor West, left nor right, Yankees nor Red Sox, Lafayette has always belonged to all of us. By Sarah Vowell South East West Yankees Sox

Asked the boy to "consider himself at all times as one of his family." Washington was referring to his military family or aides-de-camp, the same way John Adams described the aide Alexander Hamilton as "one of General Washington's Family." So when Washington said "family," he meant "chummy minion." The orphaned Lafayette heard "son. By Sarah Vowell Family Washington Asked Boy Times

That's what I like to call him, "the current president." I find it difficult to say or type his name, George W. Bush. I like to call him "the current president" because it's a hopeful phrase, implying that his administration is only temporary. By Sarah Vowell President Call Current George Bush

Most people don't like to talk about violent historical death. By Sarah Vowell Death People Talk Violent Historical

The victory at Trenton boosted morale among the troops, the Congress, and the people to a degree possibly unwarranted by winning back a town in New Jersey, what with it being a town in New Jersey. By Sarah Vowell Jersey Town Congress Trenton Troops

He spent part of last year working in Canada, and I think it rubbed off on him, diminishing his innate American ability to celebrate the civic virtue of idiocy. By Sarah Vowell Canada American Diminishing Idiocy Spent

The one time I was an actor, it happened to be in a globally dominant juggernaut. That was lucky. By Sarah Vowell Actor Juggernaut Time Happened Globally

With only sixty men to hold off four hundred Americans, the British commander of the redoubt, a Major Campbell, surrendered to Laurens. Afterward, when an unhinged captain from New Hampshire threatened Campbell with his bayonet, Hamilton stepped between them, because rules were rules. By Sarah Vowell Americans Laurens British Major Campbell

I discovered that Robert Todd Lincoln was there for each of the first three assassinations. I wanted to write about the Lincoln Memorial, so when I found out he had attended its dedication, that helped focus it further. By Sarah Vowell Robert Todd Lincoln Assassinations Discovered

[I]deas, when implemented, turn into precedents with unpredictable and potentially disturbing consequences. By Sarah Vowell Deas Implemented Turn Consequences Precedents

Not that I want the current president killed. I will, for the record and for the FBI agent assigned to read this and make sure I mean no harm, clearly state that while I am obsessed with death, I am against it. By Sarah Vowell Killed Current President Fbi Harm

After he finishes his song, I ask him, "Sir, were you just playing 'Lean on Me'?" "That's right!" he answers, thrilled. Now, whenever I think of Mudd and his house I hear that song, hear Mudd serenading the limping Booth, taking his arm and helping him up the stairs, singing, "Lean on me, when you're not strong, and I'll be your friend. By Sarah Vowell Sir Lean Playing Song Mudd

The Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the Civil War - when I really think about them, they all seem about as likely as the parting of the Red Sea. By Sarah Vowell Independence Constitution War Sea Declaration

Technically, it's a family restaurant, but it will only remind you of your family if your mom chain-smoked menthols. By Sarah Vowell Technically Restaurant Menthols Family Remind

Along with voting, jury duty, and paying taxes, goofing off is one of the central obligations of American citizenship. By Sarah Vowell American Voting Jury Duty Taxes

Oh my dear, idealists are the cruelest monsters of them all. By Sarah Vowell Dear Idealists Cruelest Monsters

Then Cotton quotes Luke 12:48. "To whom much is given, of him God will require the more." Of course there's a catch, Spider-Man. When God is the landlord, Cotton says, "defraud him not of his rent." The price? Obedience. By Sarah Vowell Luke Cotton 1248 God Quotes

You know you've reached a new plateau of group mediocrity when even a Canadian is alarmed by your lack of individuality. By Sarah Vowell Canadian Individuality Reached Plateau Group

I no longer drink nearly as much as I used to but, still, my motto is Sine coffea nihil sum. Without coffee, I'm nothing. By Sarah Vowell Sine Sum Longer Drink Motto

It was made clear to me that I wasn't supposed to trouble the moody Creator with any pesky questions about the eccentricities of His cosmic system ... Thus my idea of heaven was that I got to spend eternity sitting at the feet of God, grilling Him. "Let me get this straight," I'd say, by way of introduction. "It's your position that every person born has to suffer because Eve couldn't resist a healthy between-meals snack? By Sarah Vowell Creator System Made Clear Supposed

Assassins and presidents invite the same basic question: Just who do you think you are? By Sarah Vowell Assassins Question Presidents Invite Basic

Yes, they're a little biased there, I agree. Mike smiles at this understatement, knowing as I do that saying they're a little biased in Mudd's favor at the Mudd-family-run Mudd home in Maryland is like saying cheese steaks are kind of associated with Philadelphia. By Sarah Vowell Agree Mudd Biased Philadelphia Maryland

Honestly, the only question most Americans ask about a new building at this point is basically: Is it a soul-sucking eyesore of cheap-ass despair? It's not? Whew. By Sarah Vowell Honestly Americans Basically Despair Question

Picpus Cemetery, where Lafayette is buried under dirt from Bunker Hill. By Sarah Vowell Cemetery Hill Lafayette Bunker Picpus

there is anything to be learned from the conspiracy - other than when in doubt, bet on George Washington - it is to beware the pitfalls of certainty. By Sarah Vowell Washington George Conspiracy Doubt Bet

Before the verb "to electrocute" came to define death by electricity, Edison advocated that the verb be named for his nemesis, that a person who had been electrocuted would have been westinghoused instead. I bet Westinghouse came up with some possible definitions of what it meant to be edisoned himself. By Sarah Vowell Edison Verb Electrocute Electricity Nemesis

His pictures of this region summarize the soulful emptiness of a country where, as Gertrude Stein observed, 'there is more space where nobody is than where anybody is. By Sarah Vowell Gertrude Stein Observed Pictures Region

Steuben explained to his friend, "You say to your soldier, 'Do this,' and he does it; but I am obliged to say, 'This is the reason why you ought to do that,' and then he does it. By Sarah Vowell Steuben Friend Soldier Explained Obliged

There seems to be no end to the satisfaction one gets in having one's opinions confirmed. By Sarah Vowell Confirmed End Satisfaction Opinions

My audience is going to die before I do. By Sarah Vowell Audience Die

The only thing more dangerous than an idea is a belief. By Sarah Vowell Belief Thing Dangerous Idea

Freedom of the press, the surest guaranty of the rights of man. By Sarah Vowell Freedom Press Man Surest Guaranty

Luther's point was that, according to Scripture, salvation is not a bake sale: By Sarah Vowell Scripture Luther Salvation Sale Point

Never have I enjoyed such swearing, before or since. Sir, on that memorable day, he swore like an angel from Heaven. By Sarah Vowell Sir Swearing Heaven Enjoyed Day

Still, compared to him, compared to the people we descend from, I am free of history. I'm so free of history I have to get in a car and drive seven states to find it. By Sarah Vowell Compared Free History People Descend

Why is America the last best hope of Earth? What if it's Liechtenstein? Or, worse, Canada? By Sarah Vowell Earth America Canada Worse Liechtenstein

Did not hesitate to be disagreeable to preserve my independence - applied By Sarah Vowell Applied Independence Hesitate Disagreeable Preserve

I did not hesitate to be disagreeable to preserve my independence. By Sarah Vowell Independence Hesitate Disagreeable Preserve

American history is a quagmire, and the more one knows, the quaggier the mire gets. By Sarah Vowell American Quagmire History Quaggier Mire

This is the derivation of that old Yankee proverb that if you can sell a book, you can move sixty tons of weaponry three hundred miles in winter By Sarah Vowell Yankee Book Winter Derivation Proverb

The true American patriot is by definition skeptical of the government. By Sarah Vowell American Government True Patriot Definition

Americans' fatal tendency of disunion. By Sarah Vowell Americans Disunion Fatal Tendency

A couple of times he called the second he'd finished reading a novel and just had to tell me about it, and I know it sounds hokey and librarianish to say so, but I just swooned when he did that. By Sarah Vowell Couple Times Called Finished Reading

it may seem strange that any men should dare to ask a just God's assistance in wringing their bread from the sweat of other men's faces. By Sarah Vowell God Faces Men Strange Dare

Jesus and Lincoln, Moses and Jefferson can seem so long gone, so unbelievable, so dead. By Sarah Vowell Lincoln Moses Jefferson Jesus Unbelievable

You think this is a mess? New York is a mess! Why should it matter if I spill anything inside? The whole city is a dump! I'm not pretending the inside is any different from the outside anymore! By Sarah Vowell Mess York Inside Dump Anymore

In the United States, there was no simpler, more agreeable time. By Sarah Vowell States United Simpler Time Agreeable

The fact that a child that age was allowed to go out looking for the four-legged serial killer that the king has dispatched his personal gun-bearer to track down speaks of an older, hands-off parenting style. By Sarah Vowell Older Handsoff Style Fact Child

So I say to you read! Read! Something will stick in the mind, be diligent and good will come of it. By Sarah Vowell Read Mind Stick Diligent Good

In death, you get upgraded into a saint no matter how much people hated you in life. By Sarah Vowell Death Life Upgraded Saint Matter

On the illusive "Monsieur Hortalez." When my friend Steven and I went looking for the building one afternoon, we came to the address at 47 rue Vieille-du-Temple and realized we had been there before. By Sarah Vowell Monsieur Hortalez Illusive Rue Steven

I'm always disappointed when I see the word 'Puritan' tossed around as shorthand for a bunch of generic, boring, stupid, judgmental killjoys. Because to me, they are very specific, fascinating, sometimes brilliant, judgmental killjoys who rarely agreed on anything except that Catholics are going to Hell. By Sarah Vowell Puritan Boring Stupid Judgmental Word

Despicable rabble," however, pretty much summed up George Washington's opinion of the troops when he arrived in Cambridge in July. In a letter to his brother John, the new commander in chief grumbled, "I found a mixed multitude of People here, under very little discipline, order, or Government. By Sarah Vowell July George Washington Cambridge Despicable

I get younger people who watch Conan or The Daily Show, but before that it was mostly people who knew me from public radio. Those people are kind of old. By Sarah Vowell Show Conan Daily People Radio

Freedom of expression truly exists only when a society's most repugnant nitwits are allowed to spew their nonsense in public. By Sarah Vowell Freedom Public Expression Exists Society

We go in to liberate Cuba, but Cuba still isn't free; we don't really think through what we'll do after the initial treaty is signed, but we're still occupying. There's chaos and torture and finally an outcry. By Sarah Vowell Cuba Free Signed Occupying Liberate

Once or twice a day, I am enveloped inside what I like to call the Impenetrable Shield of Melancholy. This shield, it is impenetrable. Hence the name. I cannot speak. And while I can feel myself freeze up, I can't do anything about it. By Sarah Vowell Melancholy Impenetrable Shield Day Enveloped

Behind every bad law, a deep fear. By Sarah Vowell Law Fear Bad Deep

While history might be full of exemplary fathers, recorded history is not where to find them. By Sarah Vowell Fathers Recorded History Full Exemplary

We are flawed creatures, all of us. Some of us think that means we should fix our flaws. But get rid of my flaws and there would be no one left. By Sarah Vowell Creatures Flawed Flaws Left Fix

The whole point of Louis Armstrong is that no one can really figure him out. There was a while where I thought you could try. By Sarah Vowell Louis Armstrong Point Figure Thought

It requires all my philosophy, and all my piety' to make peace ... By Sarah Vowell Philosophy Piety Peace Requires Make

What are you hiding? No one ever asks that. By Sarah Vowell Hiding

I suspect that the day a person gives up on the Geneva Convention is the day a person gives up on the human race. By Sarah Vowell Day Person Geneva Convention Race

I revere the Bill of Rights, but at the same time I believe that anyone who's using three or more of them at a time is hogging them too much. (152) By Sarah Vowell Bill Time Revere Hogging

No one I know actually reads what I write, so thank heavens for you strangers. By Sarah Vowell Write Strangers Reads Heavens

Robert Todd Lincoln, a.k.a. Jinxy McDeath. By Sarah Vowell Lincoln Todd Robert Jinxy Mcdeath

Even writers need relief from words. By Sarah Vowell Words Writers Relief

The only people who know about me are people who would know about me. By Sarah Vowell People

There's nothing more depressing than bad capitalism. By Sarah Vowell Capitalism Depressing Bad

I do not think that there can ever be enough books about anything; and I say that knowing that some of them are going to be about Pilates. By Sarah Vowell Pilates Books Knowing

Don't bring up McKinley. Don't bring up McKinley. By Sarah Vowell Mckinley Bring

My ideal picture of citizenship will always be an argument, not a sing-along. By Sarah Vowell Argument Singalong Ideal Picture Citizenship

I guess if I had to pick a spiritual figurehead to possess the deed to the entirety of Earth, I'd go with Buddha, but only because he wouldn't want it. By Sarah Vowell Earth Buddha Guess Pick Spiritual

Radio is the playground of coincidence. By Sarah Vowell Radio Coincidence Playground