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Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road; Italy, where they drive on the sidewalk; and France, where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby. -- Dave Barry
I know that all over America there's probably politicians sending out pictures of themselves signing that mandatory helmet bill, but it's bullshit. I say that as a parent. -- Dave Barry
In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused this change? One big factor, of course, is that people are a lot stupider than they used to be, although we here in the newspaper industry would never say so in print. -- Dave Barry
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. -- Dave Barry
In more than 20 years of opening beers with guys, I have NEVER seen the Swedish Bikini Team show up. Almost always, the teams that show up in beer drinking situations consist of guys who have been playing league softball and smell like bus seats. -- Dave Barry
But my point is that competitive eating is a real sport, and I considered taking it up. But when I thought about what this would mean sitting around for hours, stuffing my face with unhealthy food I realized it was basically the same thing as journalism. -- Dave Barry
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. -- Dave Barry
I'm a big believer in anesthesia. I think it should be used for every medical procedure, indlucing routine physicals. -- Dave Barry
There's a test they can do to determine a baby's gender ahead of time; I think they insert a tiny photo of Leonardo DiCaprio into the uterus, and if the baby punches it, it's a boy. -- Dave Barry
If you have ever seen the movie Night of the Living Dead, you have a rough idea how modern corporations and organizations operate, with projects and proposals that everybody thought were killed constantly rising from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of the living. -- Dave Barry
Think, for a moment, of the countless happy childhood hours you spent with this amazing device: Drawing perfect horizontals, drawing perfect verticals, drawing really spastic diagonals, trying to scrape away the silver powder from the window so you could look inside. -- Dave Barry
Molly, at the rail, her wet hair matted down, her dress torn, watching Peter intently until she knew he saw her, then mouthing something ... Fly, she was saying, Fly.
"I CAN'T," Peter shouted moving his arms helplessly. "I CAN'T, MOLLY! -- Dave Barry
The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch. -- Dave Barry
My son wouldn't go get heroin. If he did or didn't, it wouldn't have anything to do with whether it was legal or illegal. -- Dave Barry
Simply by eliminating description, the screenwriter can work his way through the entire plot in a single morning, leaving the afternoon free for screenwriter leisure activities such as drugs. -- Dave Barry
And to you taxpayers out there, let me say this: Make sure you file your tax return on time! And remember that, even though income taxes can be a 'pain in the neck,' the folks at the IRS are regular people just like you, except that they can destroy your life -- Dave Barry
Just get on any major highway, and eventually it will dead-end in a Disney parking area large enough to have its own climate, populated by large nomadic families who have been trying to find their cars since the Carter administration. -- Dave Barry
Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness. -- Dave Barry
When the boomers started to have kids reach adolescence, there was suddenly this feeling that they needed to protect their kids from all the same things they did when they were kids. Which I guess is a natural tendency, but it makes for a less fun society. -- Dave Barry
The central point of this final chapter is that - follow my logic carefully here - unless you die, you will continue to get older. (It's insights like this that separate the professional book author from the person with a real job.) -- Dave Barry
My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don't have the vaguest idea what you're doing, as is evidenced by the fact that you're reading a very sloppy and poorly researched book. -- Dave Barry
Headbangers' are people who like heavy-metal music, which is performed by skinny men with huge hair who stomp around the stage, striking their instruments and shrieking angrily, apparently because somebody has stolen all their shirts. -- Dave Barry
If Mozart had power tools, there's no telling how great his music might have been. -- Dave Barry
You know how on the evening news they always tell you that the stock market is up in active trading, or off in moderate trading, or trading in mixed activity, or whatever. Well, who gives a -- Dave Barry
I guess nobody assumes anybody is a libertarian. It's a more complex political discussion than most people are used to, to explain why you think the way you do about public education or drug laws, and why it's not as simple as being for or against something. -- Dave Barry
It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. -- Dave Barry
You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa. -- Dave Barry
If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life. -- Dave Barry
I don't think the press has done a very good job dealing with government spending.The Defense Department with the $9,500 toilet seat, that's not the problem anymore. Medicare and Medicaid and Social Security are the problem. That's us. That's our generation. There the press never says a word. -- Dave Barry
Note that both of these papers [the New York Post and the New York Daily News] are big sellers in a city whose residents like to go around saying they'd never live anyplace else on account of they'd miss the opera. -- Dave Barry
You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk, which is responsible for digging up depressing front-page stories. -- Dave Barry
Only thing your DNA thinks about is reproducing itself. -- Dave Barry
In one case, a group of innocent American tourists was taken on a tour bus through a country the members later described as "either France or Sweden" and subjected to three days of looking at old, dirty buildings in cities where it was not possible to get a cheeseburger. -- Dave Barry
Smee?
What Cap'n?
You are a supreme idjit.
Aye cap'n. -- Dave Barry
[American tax laws] are constantly changing as our elected representatives seek new ways to ensure that whatever tax advice we receive is incorrect. -- Dave Barry
Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the "patty" group, which includes hamburgers, fish sticks, and McNuggets- foods that have had all of their organs safely removed. -- Dave Barry
Winter's here, and you feel lousy: You're coughing and sneezing; your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These symptoms
so familiar at this time of year
can mean only one thing: Tiny fanged snails are eating your brain. -- Dave Barry
Everybody in New York, including police horses, dresses fashionably, and whenever I'm there, even in my sharpest funeral-quality suit with no visible ketchup stains, I feel as though I'm wearing a Hefty trash bag. And it's last year's Hefty trash bag. -- Dave Barry
People are afraid to own their own homes. People are afraid their own government will catch them fixing their houses. -- Dave Barry
And that's the wonderful thing about family travel: it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind. -- Dave Barry
Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 -- Dave Barry
Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D'Amato. -- Dave Barry
Remember that being offended is not the same thing as being right. -- Dave Barry
Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around the Home. -- Dave Barry
SAT tests are designed by huge panels of experts in education and psychology who work for years to design tests in which not one single question measures any bit of knowledge that anyone might actually need in the real world. We should applaud kids for getting lower scores. -- Dave Barry
I love Halloween. It reminds me of my happy childhood days as a student at Wampus Elementary School in Armonk, N.Y., when we youngsters used to celebrate Halloween by making decorations out of construction paper and that white paste that you could eat. -- Dave Barry
I can't recall a story that played out exactly as I'd expected it to. That's one of the thrills of journalism - being surprised, and learning new stuff, but it also poses the biggest challenge to a writer's character. -- Dave Barry
Technology is constantly improving our lives. Look at the cellular telephone. Just ten years ago, virtually nobody was able to get into a car crash caused by trying to steer and dial at the same time; today, people do this all the time. -- Dave Barry
Remember how he handled the Iran-contra Never Ending Scandal from Hell? He went on national television, the President of the United States, and said it wasn't his fault, because he was not aware, at the time, of what his foreign policy was. -- Dave Barry
Eternal boyhood is the dream of a depressing percentage of American males, and the locker room is the temple where they worship arrested development. -- Dave Barry
Q. How is the turn signal used in Florida? A. It is used to indicate to other motorists that you do not realize your turn signal is blinking. -- Dave Barry
The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses. -- Dave Barry
I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: How can I get in on that? -- Dave Barry
Call me a proud American, if you want, but I truly believe that no other nation on Earth possesses the capabilities to put on a more powerful display of underwater mermaid patriotism. -- Dave Barry
What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a "modem" can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo. -- Dave Barry
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. -- Dave Barry
Back then, the entire Internet consisted of two slow, boxcar-sized UNIVAC computers about 50 feet apart, connected by a wire. It would take one of these computers an entire day to send an email to the other one, which would immediately delete it, because it was a Viagra ad. -- Dave Barry
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. -- Dave Barry
Terry Jackson, who is the Miami Herald's automotive writer and TV critic. That's correct: This man gets paid to drive new cars AND watch television. If he ever dies and goes to heaven, it's going to be a big let down. -- Dave Barry
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat content. -- Dave Barry
Sometimes you panic and find yourself emitting remarks so profoundly inane that you would be embarrassed to say them to your dog. Your dog would look at you and think to itself, 'I may lick myself in public, but I'd never say anything as stupid as that.' -- Dave Barry
You can put suspenders on a salamander, but it still won't make waffles. See what I mean? That sentence makes absolutely no sense, but I got paid to write it. It's printed right here in a published book! -- Dave Barry
Light overcomes darkenss. A tiny match can illuminate the darkest room. As long as there is some light somewhere in the universe, [darkness] can be defeated. -- Dave Barry
Dogs love to go for rides. A dog will happily get into any vehicle going anywhere. -- Dave Barry
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. -- Dave Barry
You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings - even the truth. -- Dave Barry
For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest). -- Dave Barry
Too many rocks in the mountains. -- Dave Barry
Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security. -- Dave Barry
It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta -- Dave Barry
The Japanese tend to be far more co-operative and docile and group-oriented. It would be easier to get the entire population of Tokyo to wear matching outfits than to get any two randomly selected Americans to agree on pizza toppings. -- Dave Barry
I shared this insight with some other boat owners, and they all agreed that, definitely, putting your boar into the water is asking for trouble. Most of them have had their boats sitting in their driveways long enough to be registered historical landmarks. -- Dave Barry
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals like Hydrogen and Oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. -- Dave Barry
A short distance away is the Tidal Basin, ringed by cherry trees that every year produce flowers, an event to which Washingtonians react as though it were the Second Coming of Christ. -- Dave Barry
The major advantage of domestic travel is that, with a few exceptions such as Miami, most domestic locations are conveniently situated right here in the United States. -- Dave Barry
Imagine what will happen to this nation if large numbers of American women start using the Wonderbra. It will be catastrophic. The male half of the population will be nothing but mindless drooling Zombies of Lust. Granted, this is also true now, but it will be even worse. -- Dave Barry
Stuffwise we are not a lean operation. We're the kind of people who, if we were deciding what absolute minimum essential items we'd need to carry in our backpacks for the final, treacherous ascent to the summit of Mount Everest, would take along aquarium filters, just in case. -- Dave Barry
Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II. -- Dave Barry
Spain travel tip: If bathroom genders are indicated by flamingos, the boy flamingo is the one with a hat. I learned this the hard way. -- Dave Barry
Modern cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such as 'viruses,' 'worms,' 'Trojan horses' and 'licensed Microsoft software' that can take over your computer and render it useless. -- Dave Barry
Many, many of you have written to me asking the following question: 'Dave, have their been any new advancements in the field of artificial falcon insemination, and could these developments be used to improve the American electoral process?' -- Dave Barry
FAR FROM THE WHARF, well across the bay and almost to the open sea, was a tangle of rocks so treacherous that no captain familiar with these waters would sail his ship there. -- Dave Barry
One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lip grafting, or 'fat recycling,' wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into your lips. People will then be literally kissing ass. -- Dave Barry
In the words of a very famous dead person, 'A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test. -- Dave Barry
Why can't Americans do their own taxes? Because the federal Tax Code is out of control, that's why. It's gigantic and insanely complex, and it gets worse all the time. Nobody has ever read the whole thing. IRS workers are afraid to go into the same ROOM with it. -- Dave Barry
Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. -- Dave Barry
Today, you're 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday! -- Dave Barry
There is nothing as relaxing as being out on the open sea, listening to the waves and the wind and the sails and voices downstairs yelling "HOW DO YOU FLUSH THESE TOILETS?" -- Dave Barry
I also saw a huge expansion of the Internet, with many major corporations, afraid of being left behind, spending hundreds of millions of dollars to develop World Wide Web sites in a frantic scramble to reach the vast new consumer market of Web use -- Dave Barry
There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: passive systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and active systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. -- Dave Barry
Your DNA wants to put its imprint on the entire human race, like the Nike Corporation. -- Dave Barry
When I say "dogs", I'm talking about dogs, which are large, bounding, salivating animals, usually with bad breath. I am not talking about those little squeaky things you can hold on your lap and carry around. Zoologically speaking, these are not dogs at all; they are members of the pillow family. -- Dave Barry
Why do we shave? It doesn't seem like a natural activity. There are no examples of shaving in nature. The only creature that comes close is the male South Pacific Groping Beetle, which sometimes, just before mating, will slap on a little Aqua Velva. But we think this resulted from atomic testing. -- Dave Barry
Head Smashed In, may I help you? -- Dave Barry
I argue very well. Just ask any of my remaining friends. -- Dave Barry
And what is the Scientific Community doing about these problems, young people? THEY'RE CLONING SHEEP. Great! Just what we need! Sheep that look MORE ALIKE than they already do! Thanks a lot, Scientific Community! -- Dave Barry
Denmark (also called Norway) is best known as the original home of the prune Danish as well as the Vikings, who wore hats with horns sticking out of them, and for a very good reason: they were insane. -- Dave Barry
The Republicans have a high Beady-Eyed Self-Righteous Scary Borderline Loon Quotient, as evidenced by Phyllis Schlafly, Pat Robertson, the entire state of Utah, etc. -- Dave Barry
When you say you don't think we should have public schools, they can't believe you mean that. You must mean that they should be smaller. But you can't really mean no public schools. -- Dave Barry
This year, U.S. airlineswill carry a record 143 million passengers, who will be in the air for 382 million hours, during which they will be fed an estimated total of four peanuts. -- Dave Barry
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. -- Dave Barry
I really, really like Suzana Delgado, who is the most beautiful girl in the eighth grade and probably the world. She has like 183 million Instagram followers. -- Dave Barry
I am a world-class weenie when it comes to letting people stick needles into me. My subconscious mind firmly believes that if God had wanted us to have direct access to our bloodstreams, He would have equipped our skin with small, clearly marked doors. -- Dave Barry
Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with. -- Dave Barry
But from the perspective of the aging parent, there is no major difference between four and fifteen, except that when your child is four, his motoring privileges are restricted to little toy Fisher-Price vehicles which are unlikely (although I would not totally rule it out in America) to sue you. -- Dave Barry
Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones in England - is actually a crude effort by the Druids to build a computing device. -- Dave Barry
The best way to understand this whole issue is to look at what the government does: it takes money from some people, keeps a bunch of it, and gives the rest to other people. -- Dave Barry
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. -- Dave Barry
The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire. -- Dave Barry
I've been checking with people back in South Florida to see if Hurricane Dennis is going to whack my house, and the consensus of the experts seems to be: No, it will not, unless it does, in which case, yes. So I'm feeling really calm over here in London. -- Dave Barry
And it ain't a man, thought Slank. -- Dave Barry
The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly is called the comb over. -- Dave Barry
Recently I began to feel this void in my life, even after meals, and I said to myself, "Dave, all you do with your spare time is sit around and drink beer. You need a hobby." So I got a hobby. I make beer. -- Dave Barry
Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricty goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires. -- Dave Barry
It takes a minimum of six people, working in close harmony, to successfully flush a nautical toilet. That's why those old ships carried such large crews. -- Dave Barry
There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece. -- Dave Barry
The Spanish government, having run completely out of money, secretly sold the Pyrenees to China, and is now separated from France only by traffic cones. -- Dave Barry
First, a few words about this title. It isn't easy, coming up with book titles. A lot of the really good ones are taken. Thin Thighs in 30 Days, for example. Also The Bible. -- Dave Barry
As Americans we must always remember that we all have a common enemy, an enemy that is dangerous, powerful, and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government. -- Dave Barry
Some years ago I proposed a new tourism-promotion slogan for Miami. I even had a bumper sticker made. It said: 'Come back to Miami! We Weren't Shooting at YOU'. -- Dave Barry
Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result of being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings. -- Dave Barry
You can, legally, possibly hit and kill a fellow golfer with a ball, and there will not be a lot of trouble because the other golfers will refuse to stop and be witnesses because they will want to keep playing. -- Dave Barry
Because," Leonard said, "light overcomes darkness. A tiny match can illuminate the darkest room. As long as there is some light somewhere in the universe you can be defeated. -- Dave Barry
Congress is thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to Alien beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have atomic blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they were merely poor people. -- Dave Barry
My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. -- Dave Barry
A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp. -- Dave Barry
Seriously? You won't help me?" "Help yourself get killed? No, I won't. -- Dave Barry
So for some reason everybody makes this huge deal about pandas. I don't know why. They never actually do anything except eat and poop. But they're really famous." "Yeah," said Suzana. "They're like the Kardashians of zoo animals. -- Dave Barry
When my generation was your age, we took crazy risks. The wildest thing was - prepare to be shocked - we deliberately ingested carbohydrates! -- Dave Barry
Never have a dog. Let's not beat around the bush here: dogs are morons. -- Dave Barry
In Spain, attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich, you wind up with a dish whose name, when you look it up in your Spanish-English dictionary, turns out to mean: Eel with big abcess. -- Dave Barry
The problem with winter sports is that
follow me closely here
they generally take place in winter. -- Dave Barry
She wanted to cry, but she did not want Peter to see her cry, and she especially did not want Teacher, with her flowing hair, to see her cry. -- Dave Barry
We should call editorials what they are: columns written by committees. -- Dave Barry
Disney Resort and World and Compound, a place where your dreams really do come true, if you dream about having people wearing enormous cartoon-animal heads come around to your restaurant table and act whimsical and refuse to go away until you laugh with delight. -- Dave Barry
I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that, like most books, it had too many words. -- Dave Barry
The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!" -- Dave Barry
European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches. -- Dave Barry
Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? -- Dave Barry
Famous designers think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but would have the servants set the dogs on you if you ever tried to put your name on their clothing. -- Dave Barry
I'm always writing new books so I don't dwell on the ones I've already done. I think that's a habit from being a newspaper guy because you're always writing columns and you can't reflect on the ones you've already done. -- Dave Barry
People in the computer industry use the term 'user,' which to them means 'idiot.' -- Dave Barry
We kids feared many things in those days - werewolves, dentists, North Koreans, Sunday School - but they all paled in comparison with Brussels sprouts. -- Dave Barry
All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words "Some Assembly Required". -- Dave Barry
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. -- Dave Barry
I have seen women walk right past a TV set with a football game on and - this always amazes me - not stop to watch, even if the TV is showing replays of what we call a "good hit," which is a tackle that causes at least one major internal organ to actually fly out of a player's body. -- Dave Barry
They feed you, like, eight times a day, which is why cruise people always look like hairless water buffalo wearing sneakers. -- Dave Barry
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. -- Dave Barry
Real cars were made here in America: Fords, Chevys, Plymouths. These were large chunks of Detroit iron - cars that had the size, weight, and handling characteristics of aircraft carriers but worse fuel efficiency. -- Dave Barry
You could be Charles Manson, or Hitler, or even a lawyer who advertises on television, and your dog will still think you're the greatest thing ever. This tells you something very important about dogs: They are not very bright. -- Dave Barry
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires. -- Dave Barry
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. -- Dave Barry
The best way to learn Japanese is to be born as a Japanese baby, in Japan, raised by a Japanese family. -- Dave Barry
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. -- Dave Barry
She goes to Frederick's of Hollywood at the mall and purchases an explicit lingerie outfit so sheer that you could read an appliance warranty through it in an unlit closet. -- Dave Barry
I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up. -- Dave Barry
AARP is a large and powerful organization, similar to the Mafia but more concerned about dietary fiber. -- Dave Barry
That got her up on stage pretty quick, and she sang a song, which was in Spanish, so I don't know what it was about, except she seemed to be singing it mainly to Sharisse and it had a word that sounded like "poota" in it a lot. -- Dave Barry
I find myself having these conversations where I go ... You know, the guy, in that place. The guy in the place with the thing, you know. And it becomes this game of charades. And then finally, we realize that I mean the Pope. -- Dave Barry
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. -- Dave Barry
During the warm season (August 8 and 9), Maine is a true vacation paradise, offering visitors a chance to jump into crystal-clear mountain lakes and see if they can get back out again before their bodily tissue is frozen as solid as a supermarket turkey. -- Dave Barry
We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl full of jelly. -- Dave Barry
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. -- Dave Barry
The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals. -- Dave Barry
Shawn's (Shawn Weatherly - former beauty queen) acting ability is such that she could not convey the concept of falling if your pushed her off a cliff. -- Dave Barry
The places where trails do not exist are not well marked. -- Dave Barry
The greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison Edison's first major invention, in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. -- Dave Barry
Never lick a steak knife. -- Dave Barry
I care about our young people, and I wish them great success, because they are our Hope for the Future, and some day, when my generation retires, they will have to pay us trillions of dollars in social security -- Dave Barry
Computers are getting smarter all the time. Scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (And by 'they', I mean 'computers'. I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.) -- Dave Barry
I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about. -- Dave Barry
San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions. -- Dave Barry
Be advised that there is no parking in Europe. -- Dave Barry
Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you. -- Dave Barry
Greyhound Bus Lines motto: "We Stop For Some Damn Thing Every 200 Yards." -- Dave Barry
There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia. -- Dave Barry
The Soviet Union at this time was being run by the Communists, a group of men fierce in their dedication to wearing hilariously bad suits. Their leader was Josef Stalin (Russian for "Joey Bananas") -- Dave Barry
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. -- Dave Barry
The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe. -- Dave Barry
I always wanted to write when I was a kid; it just never occurred to me that you could have a job that didn't involve any actual work ... I felt it would be fun to have a job like that where you could make stuff up and be irresponsible and get paid for it. -- Dave Barry
For 41 years I have gone with a very natural hair "look" that was originally popularized by coconuts. -- Dave Barry
You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that! -- Dave Barry
The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste? -- Dave Barry
2. The instant the doors open, you want to push forward as hard as possible, in an effort to get onto the train without letting anybody off. This is very important. If anybody does get off, it is legal to tackle him and drag him back on. -- Dave Barry
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. -- Dave Barry
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. -- Dave Barry
My son, Rob ... said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it." -- Dave Barry
Infiniti ads are part of an exciting new trend called "Advertising Whose Sole Purpose Is to Irritate You." -- Dave Barry
Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top. -- Dave Barry
Molly and Teacher eyed each other in the manner of two young women who will never, ever, be great friends. -- Dave Barry
I hate to speak for the whole society, but I will. I'm a journalist, it's my job. There's been something of a reaction against political correctness. Needless to say, the government hasn't caught up yet. -- Dave Barry
What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. -- Dave Barry
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers. -- Dave Barry
Kakimi chertyami oni viigrali holodnuyu voinu?"
This translates roughly to: "How the hell did these people win the Cold War? -- Dave Barry
All these people helped make this book possible. But let me make one thing clear: If there are any errors or omissions in this book, these people are not responsible. In the end, there is only one person responsible for what I write, and that person, of course, is: Donald Trump. -- Dave Barry
There's an old saying among scientific guys: "You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs, ideally by dropping a cement truck on them from a crane." -- Dave Barry
You can use the Internet to find out, from anywhere on the planet: exactly how much coffee is in a certain coffee machine at Cambridge University in England; exactly how many sodas are available in certain vending machines at certain major universities; and much, much more. -- Dave Barry
Smee! Raise the Ladies! -- Dave Barry
I do some of my best reading while seated in the bathroom. -- Dave Barry
We have always had dogs, and they have faithfully performed many valuable services for us, such as: 1. Peeing on everything. 2. When we're driving in our car, alerting us that we have passed another dog by barking real loud in our ears for the next 114 miles. 3. Trying to kill the Avon lady. -- Dave Barry
Print neatly. That's the kind of advice that the IRS considers a "dynamite" tax tip. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. -- Dave Barry
There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness. -- Dave Barry
Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash. -- Dave Barry
People who insist on being addressed as "doctor" because they have Ph.D.'s, as if these degrees represent an important achievement, rather than a reluctance to leave college; -- Dave Barry
As a taxpayer, you are required to be fully in compliance with the United States Tax Code, which is currently the size and weight of the Budweiser Clydesdales. -- Dave Barry
Beneath their surface differences, there are a lot of deep, underlying differences. -- Dave Barry
Mousse was a Labrador retriever, which is a large enthusiastic bulletproof species of dog made entirely from synthetic materials. This is the kind of dog that, if it takes an interest in your personal regions (which of course it does) you cannot fend it off with a blowtorch. -- Dave Barry
The hugely popular Windows 95 operating system revolutionized the software world thanks to its capability of accomplishing the seemingly impossible task of making Bill Gates even richer than he already was. -- Dave Barry
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. -- Dave Barry
By the eighties, a lot of radio stations had started playing "Sixties" music. They called it "Classic Rock," because they knew we'd be upset if they came right out and called it what it is, namely "middle-aged-person nostalgia music. -- Dave Barry
Today's beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip. -- Dave Barry
There's only one way kids will wear helmets, and that's if their parents are nagging them to. They will never wear helmets because some state passes a law requiring it. -- Dave Barry
Culver is a language magnet school. What it's mainly a magnet for, if you want to know the truth, is nerds. -- Dave Barry
I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around. -- Dave Barry
Hell, which as every frequent traveler knows, is in Concourse D of O'Hare Airport. -- Dave Barry
You've read newspaper stories about elderly widows who die and leave their entire estates to their pet cats, right? Well, your cat reads those stories too, and has spent most of its skulking, devious little life dreaming about inheriting all your money. -- Dave Barry
As a professional journalist, I have always been fascinated by people who appear to have even more spare time than I do. -- Dave Barry
Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work. -- Dave Barry
The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. -- Dave Barry
A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. -- Dave Barry
Guys care about sports teams. I'm not talking about simply rooting; I'm talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows. -- Dave Barry
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells ... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. -- Dave Barry
Childbirth, as a strictly physical phenomenon, is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck through an inner tube. -- Dave Barry
When I write my annual tax column, some ex-IRS agent will complain, "There you go IRS bashing again." They're always saying that they're just doing their job. Someone I know once said, "You could get another job." -- Dave Barry
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold? -- Dave Barry
The trouble is, you cannot grow just one zucchini. Minutes after you plant a single seed, hundreds of zucchini will barge out of the ground and sprawl around the garden, menacing the other vegetables. At night, you will be able to hear the ground quake as more and more zucchinis erupt. -- Dave Barry
We decide to start with the best-known sight of all, the one that, more than any other, exemplifies what the Big Apple is all about: the Islip Garbage Barge. -- Dave Barry
Never try to put all the chemicals in the entire world in your body at the same time. -- Dave Barry
If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires. -- Dave Barry
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. -- Dave Barry
The way this country deals with drugs is just not funny. What a waste of everyone's time and effort. What a waste of a lot of people's lives. -- Dave Barry
Your job is to give people a reason to keep reading. -- Dave Barry
I feel that nasal spray is a wondrous medical achievement, because it is supposed to relieve nasal congestion, and by gadfrey, it relieves nasal congestion. What I'm saying is that it actually works, which is something you can say about very few other aspects of the medical establishment. -- Dave Barry
But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there,you'd be lost at sea now,wouldn't you? We'd all be lost! So thanks to me you're all standing on land.
(Pirates, its a good thing they're idiots) -- Dave Barry
As a professional journalist, I am always looking for new ways to get paid for being motionless. -- Dave Barry
The Hawaiian Islands were discovered by hardy Polynesian sailors, who crossed thousands of miles of open ocean in primitive canoes, braving violent storm-tossed seas for months at a time. My family and I arrived by modern commercial aviation, which was infinitely worse. -- Dave Barry
I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding. -- Dave Barry
Socially prominent people are very fond of disease, because it gives them a chance to have these really elaborate charity functions, and the newspaper headlines say 'EVENING IN PARIS BALL RAISES MONEY TO FIGHT GOUT' instead of 'RICH PEOPLE AMUSE THEMSELVES'. -- Dave Barry
Sign at a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished? -- Dave Barry
In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than remembering not to light the filter ends of cigarettes. -- Dave Barry
I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either. -- Dave Barry
But the feeling I have, you know, is that I'll never come close to reading all, or even a thousandth- a billionth- of the books I'd probably love if I ever got to them. -- Dave Barry
Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant. -- Dave Barry
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. -- Dave Barry
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. -- Dave Barry
He could be a testosterone donor. -- Dave Barry
I'm happy to start on one topic and end on another one entirely, as long as it's funny. -- Dave Barry
It is a good idea to 'shop around' before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy! After all, you're paying for it. -- Dave Barry
I really try to think cinematically, because that's how people read. They create a theater in their minds. -- Dave Barry
Technically, Windows is an "operating system," which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop operating. -- Dave Barry
We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it. -- Dave Barry
Lobsters displays all three of the classic biological characteristics of an insect, namely: 1. It has way more legs than necessary. 2. There is no way you would ever pet it. 3. It does not respond to simple commands such as "Here, boy!" -- Dave Barry
It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick -- Dave Barry
Although it was constructed in 1536, the New York subway system boasts an annual maintenance budget of nearly $8, currently stolen, and it does a remarkable job of getting New Yorkers from Point A to an indeterminate location somewhere in the tunnel leading to point B. -- Dave Barry
When preparing your return, you should be sure to avoid common mistakes. The two most common taxpayer mistakes, states the IRS booklet, are (1) "failure to include a current address," and (2) "failure to be a large industry that gives humongous contributions to key tax-law-writing congresspersons." -- Dave Barry
After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression. -- Dave Barry
This (America) is a land of rich diversity, from the towering skyscrapers of Manhatan all the way to the towering mounds of garbage piled up next to the towering skyscrapers of Manhattan. -- Dave Barry
This (French-Kissing) is a really sexy thing to do, according to the French people, although you should bear in mind that they also like to eat snails. -- Dave Barry
'I'm sorry,' guys are always telling women, 'but I'm just not ready to make a commitment.' Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving. -- Dave Barry
Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tenative agreements ... -- Dave Barry
Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America, -- Dave Barry
Within less than an hour, Chuck and I easily located what could well be the correct platform, where we pass the time by perspiring freely until the train storms in, colorfully decorated, as is the tradition in New York, with the spray-painted initials of all the people it has run over. -- Dave Barry
If Peter was nine, and a new boy came to St. Norbert's Home for Wayward Boys who said he was ten, why, then, Peter would declare himself eleven. Also, he could spit the farthest. That made him the undisputed leader. -- Dave Barry
The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat. -- Dave Barry
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT. -- Dave Barry
One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don't even exist yet -- Dave Barry
I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990. -- Dave Barry
Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school. -- Dave Barry
They have a lot of trouble with pronunciation, because they can't move their jaw muscles, because of malnutrition caused by wisely refusing to eat English food, much of which was designed and manufactured in medieval times during the reign of King Walter the Mildly Disturbed. -- Dave Barry
I've never been struck by lightning as far as I know, so the Higher Power is treating me as well as even those people who love him very much. -- Dave Barry
The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch thrown sticks, thereby freeing humans from having to perform these tedious yet vital tasks. -- Dave Barry
It is important to be nice. But sometimes niceness can be misconstrued as weak. Should we be nice to everybody? Should we be nice only when others are nice to us? Here are some interesting views about being nice. Read these nice quotes and turn on your niceness. -- Dave Barry
I learned this from a show called Captain Video, featuring a man named, oddly, Captain Video, -- Dave Barry
It was not easy victory in the America Cup. Our boys spent years experimenting with different designs for their boat before they came up with the innovative idea of having a submerged nuclear submarine tow it. -- Dave Barry
The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers hate you. -- Dave Barry
The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. -- Dave Barry
Here's a man who was twice elected to the most powerful position on Earth despite needing a TelePrompTer to correctly identify what year it was. -- Dave Barry
If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within seconds a helpful New Yorker will approach to see if you have any "spare" change. -- Dave Barry
Epcot Center also features pavilions built by various foreign nations, where you can experience an extremely realistic simulation of what life in these nations would be like if they consisted almost entirely of restaurants and souvenir stores. -- Dave Barry
He stepped forward, and as he did the left side of his coconut brassiere slipped down, revealing his left nipple. He shoved the coconut back into place. He didn't want to look unprofessional. -- Dave Barry
For Dad, the perfect Father's Day would be one in which he didn't even realize that it was Father's Day, because nobody was making him appreciate gifts he didn't want, or read greeting cards filled with lame Father's Day poetry. -- Dave Barry
You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. -- Dave Barry
I like golf because you can be really terrible at it, and still not look much dorkier than anybody else. -- Dave Barry
How can you be afraid of women?" "Those ain't normal women. -- Dave Barry
Roy Blount, who is the funniest person I know, journeys deep into the dark heart of humor and brings back a wonderfully insightful, superbly crafted song of the soul that had me laughing and crying too -- Dave Barry
Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour." -- Dave Barry
Millions of Americans own dogs, because they are good-natured, simple, and easily amused. I am referring here to the Americans. The dogs are not exactly Mensa members either, but they definitely make better pets than tropical fish. -- Dave Barry
Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal -- Dave Barry
By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker. -- Dave Barry
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. -- Dave Barry
You don't have to think really hard to get the joke. I think humor in general appeals to all people. -- Dave Barry
Sign at a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable. -- Dave Barry
A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call. -- Dave Barry
She had large, wide-set green eyes, and long brown hair that curled slightly and turned to gold at the tips. She wore a long, straight blue dress that accentuated the slimness of her frame. She was perhaps an inch taller than Peter, and by the look of her she took baths. -- Dave Barry
What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK. -- Dave Barry
As sensitive and broad-minded humans, we must never allow ourselves to be in any way judgmental of the religious practices of other people, even when these people clearly are raving space loons. -- Dave Barry
In foreign countries such as Italy, the government puts strict-looking speed limit signs everywhere, but nobody ever sees them because light does not travel fast enough to catch the Italian drivers. -- Dave Barry
Miami, you can never run out of material. As long as you have Miami around you, you will never, never stop being amused. -- Dave Barry
Millions of women got the Farrah Fawcett model hairstyle, thinking this made them look like Farrah Fawcett, when in fact it made them look like French poodles that had fallen into vats of hydrogen peroxide. -- Dave Barry
The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. And even then it's not easy. -- Dave Barry
I have read that, on the average, the Japanese are getting taller, but at the moment they seem to be about the same height as American junior-high-school students, only with fewer guns. -- Dave Barry
If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the Beverly Hillbillies. -- Dave Barry
When the cow jerks away, it'll yank the door open."
"But what's going to make the cow jerk away?" asked Little Richard.
"You're going to milk it," said Slank.
"But I don't know how to milk a cow!" said Little Richard.
"Exactly. -- Dave Barry
That is the Wasp, yes. But it was captured by Black Stache, and he's coming for this ship now."
"And how do you know that?" asked Slank. "Did a seagull tell you?" This brought chuckles from the crew.
Something like that, thought Peter. -- Dave Barry
Little Richard was drenched in milk, and the cow was none too happy. But the iron brig door hung open. "Good job," said Slank. "Next time, you milk the cow," said Little Richard. -- Dave Barry
Passing the SAT: My personal theory is that it has to do with how much money you send them in the mail. I think the amounts they tell you to send are actually just suggested minimum donations - if you get my drift. -- Dave Barry
Sir," James asked, "what are we going to do?"
"We're going to look for water," said Alf.
"And food?" said Tubby Ted.
"Water first," said Alf. "We can go days without food."
"We can what?" Tubby Ted shouted. -- Dave Barry
Why don't you lift the end?" said Alf. "It's me back, Alf," complained Mack. "You know how it troubles me." "No more than mine troubles me," said Alf. "But I said it first," said Mack. -- Dave Barry
They looked plainly scared, except for one, a wiry boy with bright orange hair - not the largest of the lot, but the one who seemed to be in charge. He had an air about him, Alf thought, the look of a boy who doesn't miss much. -- Dave Barry
RAM: This gives guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest memory. That's important, because the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages. -- Dave Barry
Why else do we have Miami, if not to give me material? -- Dave Barry
Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill. -- Dave Barry
Your federal government needs your money so that it can perform vital services for you that you would not think up yourself in a million years. -- Dave Barry
I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to. -- Dave Barry
Oh, I'm not saying that alcohol is perfect. It has caused its share of problems. Russia is only one example. -- Dave Barry
I want a pit crew ... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. -- Dave Barry
Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. -- Dave Barry
I liked making people laugh, and I decided I was an atheist early on. My Dad was all right with that. We argued about it all the time, but it was good-natured. He was the most open-minded human being I've ever known. -- Dave Barry
Any parent that relies on any law to help him parent is an idiot. -- Dave Barry
The average tax payer is not a big voluntary supporter of the arts. The only art that the average taxpayer buys voluntarily either has a picture of Bart Simpson on it or little suction cups on its feet so you can stick it onto a car window. -- Dave Barry
And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople get ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report. -- Dave Barry
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. -- Dave Barry
Never allow a child to spend all of his allowance. Insist that he set aside a certain amount of money every week and put it in a safe place, where you can get it if you need to buy beer. -- Dave Barry
I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax Code, you'd find at least one sex scene ... -- Dave Barry
Sign outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques. -- Dave Barry
Most travel experts recommend that even if your final destination is Miami, it's better to fly to an airport in some other city - if necessary, Seattle - and take a cab from there. Or, as Savvy Air Traveler magazine suggests, 'simply jump out of the plane while it's still over the Atlantic'. -- Dave Barry
In the morning always in the morning the moment comes when you are shuffling, sleep-slowed down the dawn-dim hallway shuffling in your nightdress it comes so sudden so cold so suddenly cold when it comes the dog nose in your butt. -- Dave Barry
Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse. -- Dave Barry
Earnest is our dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all female dogs have, she tries to lick my ears off. -- Dave Barry
Computers operate on simple principles that can be easily understood by anybody with some common sense, a little imagination, and an IQ of 750. -- Dave Barry
Reading... a vacation for the mind.... -- Dave Barry
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11. -- Dave Barry
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. -- Dave Barry
This is the funniest book I've ever held in my hands.
Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical -- Dave Barry
You should definitely have a travel agent. Why go through all the hassle of dealing with airlines, hotels, and rental-car agencies yourself, only to see the arrangements get all screwed up, when with just a single phone call you can have a trained professional screw them up for you? -- Dave Barry
Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while they were looking for it, the Lug Nuts of Mutual Interest came off the Front Left Wheel of Accommodation, causing the Sport Utility Vehicle of Progress to crash into the Ditch of Despair. -- Dave Barry
Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. -- Dave Barry
A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge. -- Dave Barry
Yet another spunky li'l NASA robot lands and begins transmitting back photographs of rocks that appear virtually identical to the rock photos beamed back by all the other spunky li'l NASA robots, thus confirming suspicions that the universe has a LOT of rocks in it. -- Dave Barry
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. -- Dave Barry
The metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. -- Dave Barry
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things about them: 1. They all had editors. 2. They are all dead. Thus we can draw the scientific conclusion that editors are fatal. -- Dave Barry
Do not put this product in a big vat and drop rats into it from a cat-walk. -- Dave Barry
I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone. -- Dave Barry
English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off ... Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son. -- Dave Barry
Don't emphasise money if you don't have much; be happy -- Dave Barry
Our chief marketable skill, coming out of college, is the ability to write authoritatively about things we don't necessarily understand. -- Dave Barry
I'm not the only taxpayer who has no idea what he's sending to the IRS. This year, only 28 percent of all Americans will prepare their own tax returns, according to a voice in my head that invents accurate-sounding statistics. -- Dave Barry
Every year, hundreds of thousands of people try their hand at this demanding profession (humor columnist). After a few months, almost all of them have given up and gone back to the ninth grade. -- Dave Barry
Black Stache had no love for the Queen, no love for women of any sort, except for his ma. He had a real soft spot for his ma, and was truly sorry for the time he'd marooned her. -- Dave Barry
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. -- Dave Barry
I say the American Medical Association ought to get the hell off the golf course and answer this question ... -- Dave Barry
Classical music gradually lost popularity because it is too complicated: you need twenty-five or thirty skilled musicians just to hum it properly. So people began to develop regular music. -- Dave Barry
People - just weird people are attracted to Miami. And they come there not for serious reasons, usually. -- Dave Barry
Software is usually accompanied by documentation in the form of big fat scary manuals that nobody ever reads. In fact, for the past five years most of the manuals shipped with software products have actually been copies of Stephen King's The Stand with new covers pasted on. -- Dave Barry
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. -- Dave Barry
This book is dedicated to Wilbur and Orville Wright, without whom air sickness would still be just a dream. -- Dave Barry
If you tell most people what libertarians think, they immediately assume that you cannot mean it all the way, that you're really just taking a position for argument's sake. -- Dave Barry
Meetings are places where dead ideas rise from their graves and eat the brains of the living. -- Dave Barry
Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter. -- Dave Barry
What was life like in the colonies? Probably the best word to describe it would be "colonial". -- Dave Barry
We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon. -- Dave Barry
And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. -- Dave Barry
In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot. -- Dave Barry
UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 tons; there was also a laptop version weighing 27 tons. -- Dave Barry
Because of the level of my chess game, I was able - even against a weak opponent, such as my younger brothers or the dog - to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster. -- Dave Barry
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. -- Dave Barry
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. -- Dave Barry
Nevada has a very dynamic economy, with gambling being the number-one industry, followed closely by blood donorship. -- Dave Barry
Another foreign-policy triumph for Reagan was his 1984 visit to China, where he met for more than three hours with Mao Zedong before realizing that Mao was dead. -- Dave Barry
The United States tried, by depressing the clutch of diplomacy and downshifting the gearshift lever of rhetoric, to remain neutral, but it became increasingly obvious that the nation was going to get into a war, especially since it was almost 1812. -- Dave Barry
What gets me is, I waited in line for an hour to do this. I could have experienced essentially the same level of enjoyment merely by sticking my finger down my throat. -- Dave Barry
When you called for your installation appointment, the Telephone Company would say: "We will have an installer in your area between the hours of 9 A.M. October 3 and the following spring. Will someone be at home?" And you would say yes, if you wanted a phone. -- Dave Barry
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others. -- Dave Barry
You have to be careful on the deck, because of the "hatches," which are holes placed around a sailboat at random to increase the insurance rates. -- Dave Barry
I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and
regardless of their political or cultural differences
accuse each other of cheating. -- Dave Barry
I live in Miami, which can be a dangerous place, with a segment of the population capable of horrific acts of violence. And those are the police. The criminals are even worse. -- Dave Barry
Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really. -- Dave Barry
Most of the presidential candidates' economic packages involve 'tax breaks,' which is when the government, amid great fanfare, generously decides not to take quite so much of your income. In other words, these candidates are trying to buy your votes with your own money. -- Dave Barry
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs. -- Dave Barry
Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. -- Dave Barry
The basic Roman ruin design is a pile of rocks with a little plaque saying "Roman Ruins" and a group of tourists frowning at it and wishing they were back at the hotel bar.. -- Dave Barry
If a Greek woman tells you to do something, you do it. -- Dave Barry
The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service. -- Dave Barry
I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause. -- Dave Barry
Never again will I underestimate the persuasive power of a woman with legal training and big tits. -- Dave Barry
On behalf of the newspaper industry I wish to announce some changes we're making to serve you better. When I say 'serve you better,' I mean 'increase our profits.' We newspapers are very big on profits these days. We're a business, just like any other business, except that we employ English majors. -- Dave Barry
Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons. -- Dave Barry
The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hotlines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. -- Dave Barry
See, when the GOVERNMENT spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of TAXPAYERS, God only knows what they do with it. Bake it into pies, probably. Anything to avoid creating jobs. -- Dave Barry
Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage because you're trying to save money for when you split up your property. -- Dave Barry
What's happened to marriage? The wedding-industrial complex. Brides get swept up in this world of obsession - it has to be your perfect day. -- Dave Barry
When to arrive at the airport?: You should be at the airport already. -- Dave Barry
Long, long ago, before eruptions were invented, the molten lava had to be carried down the mountainside, bucket by bucket, and poured over the sleeping villagers. This took time. -- Dave Barry
If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he snarled, you snarled. If he breathed in your direction, you ran for cover. -- Dave Barry
Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers. -- Dave Barry
Can we move this conversation along, I'm getting frightfully tired of 'hoa'. -- Dave Barry
The Olympic movement simply cannot allow the Russians to become estranged, because Russia is a vital part of the world sports community, in the sense of having nuclear missiles. -- Dave Barry
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. -- Dave Barry
Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of them are lost. -- Dave Barry
The voice belonged to Mr. Pzyrbovich, an algebra teacher who was always called Mr. P, for obvious reasons. He has a heavy accent, which a lot of kids said made him hard to understand, although to be fair some of these kids would have never understood algebra anyway. -- Dave Barry
Happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations ... -- Dave Barry
Until I became a parent, I thought children just naturally knew how to catch a ball, that catching was an instinctive biological reflex that all children are born with, like knowing how to operate a remote control or getting high fevers in distant airports. -- Dave Barry
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. -- Dave Barry
Land!" shouted Thomas. "Is there food?" asked Tubby Ted. -- Dave Barry
maybe somebody finally shot the dog. -- Dave Barry
Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain. -- Dave Barry
Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once. -- Dave Barry
Because of some defect in my motor skill, I can never COMPLETELY wrap [gifts] ... If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by scotch tape. -- Dave Barry
In fact, just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West- the Grand Canyon, the Badlands, the Goodlands, the Mediocrelands, the Rocky Mountains and Robert Redford- were caused by erosion. -- Dave Barry
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. -- Dave Barry
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. -- Dave Barry
I never stop running. I'm not one of the weenies who drop out just because the electoral college votes. I'm still in the race. I'm an extremely corrupt candidate and I stress that in case anybody in our reading audience is interested in sending me money. -- Dave Barry
I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps retreated, and I distinctly recall believing that virtually all adults were clueless goobers. -- Dave Barry
The Mollusks - generous hosts when they weren't trying to kill you. -- Dave Barry
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. -- Dave Barry
We have been flooded with postal cards from all over the United States and several parallel universes. Just a quick glance though these cards is enough to remind you why this great nation, despite all the talk of decline, still leads the world in tranquilizer consumption. -- Dave Barry
People don't like it when you make fun of a celebrity. When you make fun of a celebrity, you'll hear from really loyal fans of that celebrity. -- Dave Barry
Database: the information you lose when your memory crashes. -- Dave Barry
Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers. -- Dave Barry
He's a boating enthusiast, although that phrase seems too weak to describe the level of his interest, kind of like describing someone as a heroin fancier. -- Dave Barry
I chose the members very carefully, based on their ability to correctly answer the following question: "Do you want to go to Orlando at your own expense and perform before Tupperware distributors?" (The correct answer was: "Yes.") -- Dave Barry
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. -- Dave Barry
Baby's room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep, in which case baby's room should be in Peru. -- Dave Barry
Today's toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say "your child." MY child just wants to eat the toys. -- Dave Barry
I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software incompatibility problems that, in terms of complexity, make the U.S. Tax Code look like Dr. Seuss. -- Dave Barry
The Ford Falcon holds the proud title of Slowest Car Ever Built. In certain areas of the country you can go to a stoplight and find Falcon drivers who pressed down on their accelerators in 1963 and are still waiting for their cars to move. -- Dave Barry
Someone was tapping on the window. -- Dave Barry
It would be hard to conceive of any activity more useless than stamp collecting. -- Dave Barry
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators. -- Dave Barry
The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. -- Dave Barry
Avoid the traffic by using one of the park's shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger. -- Dave Barry
American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors. -- Dave Barry
Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer. -- Dave Barry
The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida. -- Dave Barry
Some [soccer] players suffer four or five fatal injuries per game. That's how tough they are. -- Dave Barry
But when you take over a ship with a bomb threat, you really go first-class. -- Dave Barry
The fact that Gene Weingarten and I and Bathroom Inventory are now part of some kind of Matrix of Poop strongly suggests that the Pulitzer is not what it once was. -- Dave Barry
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. -- Dave Barry
I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits. -- Dave Barry
Bill Gates is a very rich man today ... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. -- Dave Barry
Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous open sewer.. -- Dave Barry
There are also a number of humans living up there (Canada), and in many ways they have a lifestyle quite similar to ours, including such traditional American activities as driving Japanese cars. -- Dave Barry
More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers from consuming them. These days you have to open almost every consumer item by gnawing on the packaging. -- Dave Barry
The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose," which is also sometimes called "grape sugar," and also because "Grape Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel," which is what it tastes like. -- Dave Barry
When I say 'serve you better,' I mean 'increase our profits.' We newspapers are very big on profits these days. -- Dave Barry
We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. -- Dave Barry
I bought Windows 2.0, Windows 3.0, Windows 3.1415926, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows RSVP, The Best of Windows, Windows Strikes Back, Windows Does Dallas, and Windows Let's All Buy Bill Gates a House the Size of Vermont. -- Dave Barry
I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
so I took his shoes. -- Dave Barry
The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. -- Dave Barry
Nobody in the United States knows what either a "meter" or a "kilogram" is. The whole reason why we fought the Cold War was so we wouldn't have to learn the metric system. -- Dave Barry
Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one. -- Dave Barry
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to what you may have heard, the Internet does not operate at the speed of light; it operates at the speed of the DMV. -- Dave Barry
My current computer, in addition to 'DOS,' has 'Windows,' which is another invention of Bill Gates, designed as a security measure to thwart those users who are somehow able to get past DOS. -- Dave Barry
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. -- Dave Barry
The term SAT is a set of initials, or autonym, standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization. -- Dave Barry
To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. -- Dave Barry
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. -- Dave Barry
The letters in 'Brace Beemer' can be arranged to spell 'Embrace Beer.' -- Dave Barry
I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera. -- Dave Barry
Basically Ken is a very gentle, home-loving person. I remember when one of his stick insects had a knee infection. He stayed up all night rubbing it with germoline and banging its head on the table. -- Dave Barry
Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes. -- Dave Barry
I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. -- Dave Barry
The Japanese, implementing a complex, long-term, and ultimately successful strategy to dominate the U S consumer-electronics market, attacked Pearl Harbor. -- Dave Barry
I report as a machine; I write as a person. That clear dichotomy softens the transition. -- Dave Barry
There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. -- Dave Barry
Probably the most violently hated of the weenie songs cited in the survey was "Sometimes When We Touch," sung in a very emotional manner by Dan Hill, who sounds as though he's having his prostate examined by Captain Hook. -- Dave Barry
A secret society within a secret society. -- Dave Barry
What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up with a terrific-ally witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at parties. -- Dave Barry
I don't know what you can possibly do for less than $50 to have somebody come in your house. -- Dave Barry
England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English. -- Dave Barry
The planes are crowded and noisy and late, and everybody hates everybody. If armed terrorists had tried to hijack any of the flights I've been on lately, we passengers would have swiftly beaten them to death with those hard rolls you get with your in-flight meals. -- Dave Barry
It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. -- Dave Barry
To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver. -- Dave Barry
The bad news was that the yard contained a dog. A very, very large dog, wide and hairy, like a cross between a rottweiler and a Goodyear blimp. -- Dave Barry
Editorials are written by people who have agreed to have several strong opinions a day and to write them down, provided they do not have to sign their names. -- Dave Barry
I guess libertarianism is always considered so weird and fringe that people assume that you're in the closet if you don't go around talking about it. -- Dave Barry
Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called bytes, and within a fraction of a second it sends you an error message that requires you to call the customer-support hot line and be placed on hold for approximately the life-span of a caribou. -- Dave Barry
Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands. -- Dave Barry
I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels. -- Dave Barry
Is there a medical rule that requires doctors-office personnel to treat you as though you have the IQ of a Cheeto? -- Dave Barry
If the groom-to-be's views were actually considered, the wedding would be a far more relaxed affair, possibly involving go-carts. -- Dave Barry
I'm not saying all the women were hot. Some of them, if they fell overboard, they'd be harpooned by Japs. -- Dave Barry
Congress shall also create a tax code weighing more than the combined poundage of the largest member of the House and the largest member of the Senate, plus a standard musk ox. -- Dave Barry
If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. -- Dave Barry
[There is] a breed of fashion models -- Dave Barry
My theory is that there is a finite amount of intelligence in a family, and you're supposed to gradually transfer it to your children over a period of many years. This is why your parents started to get so stupid just at the time in your life when you were getting really smart. -- Dave Barry
When doctors describe pain as experiencing "discomfort," it's like saying Hiroshima experienced "urban renewal". -- Dave Barry
Another well-known Paris landmark is the Arc de Triomphe, a moving monument to the many brave women and men who have died trying to visit it. -- Dave Barry
Natives of the Florida Keys often refer to themselves as Conchs, and for good reason: They have been drinking. -- Dave Barry
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. -- Dave Barry
In South Florida, we have industrial cockroaches that have to be equipped with loud warning beepers so you can get out of their way when they back up. -- Dave Barry
Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table. -- Dave Barry
I took an estimated two thousand years of high school French, and when I finally got to France, I discovered that I didn't know one single phrase that was actually useful in a real-life French situation. -- Dave Barry
By the 1800s, animal sacrifice had been largely discredited as a medical procedure; today it is rarely used outside of Miami. -- Dave Barry
We journalists ... are also extremely impressed with scientists, and we will, frankly, print just about any wacky thing they tell us, especially if it involves outer space. -- Dave Barry
I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than actually driving anywhere; I sometimes wonder why they bother to have wheels on their motorcycles. -- Dave Barry
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. -- Dave Barry
I do not mean to suggest for a moment that all it takes to be a top executive is a custom-tailored European suit. You also need the correct shirt and tie. -- Dave Barry
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. -- Dave Barry
All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow. -- Dave Barry
Now I know what you're saying. You're saying: 'Dave, you have painted a distorted and inaccurate picture of the American health-care system. Not all patients wind up being as wretched as Mary! Many of them wind up being dead'. -- Dave Barry
It's a real smug self-righteous punk kid saying nobody has the right to tell him what to do and how dare you put a sign up saying that I can't go on your property? -- Dave Barry
Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity. -- Dave Barry
9 saw the first direct-dialed long-distance telephone call, between New York and San Francisco. Of course, back in that primitive era the parties had to speak to each other manually; today one or both ends of the conversation would be carried on by a machine. -- Dave Barry
Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it. -- Dave Barry
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture finished and put inside boxes. -- Dave Barry
Casket wreath* 13 Diabetes Insulin Leeches* 14 Hatchet embedded in skull Removal of hatchet, treatment of wound Larger -- Dave Barry
The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withstand tremendous boredom. -- Dave Barry
When Prince Charles speaks, everybody pretends to be fascinated, even though he has never said anything interesting except in that intercepted telephone conversation wherein he expressed the desire to be a feminine hygeine product. -- Dave Barry
The other major kind of computer is the "Apple," which I do not recommend, because it is a wuss-o-rama New-Age computer you basically just plug in and use. -- Dave Barry
You might have mentioned this to me Molly," said Leonard. "The fact that there are hostile natives on the island."
"I forgot," said Molly.
"You forgot?" said Leonard.
"There's been a lot happening," said Molly. -- Dave Barry
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! -- Dave Barry
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. -- Dave Barry
What I like best about the telephone is that it keeps you in touch with people, particularly people who want to sell you magazine subscriptions in the middle of the night. -- Dave Barry
In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid. -- Dave Barry
What I want to know is: Why is it important to have visible stomach muscles? I grew up in an era (the Paleolithic) when people kept their stomach muscles discreetly out of sight. -- Dave Barry
Fortunately the bad guys had the tactical intelligence of a waffle iron, so the hero was able to outsmart them by ducking behind some rocks, then putting his hat on a stick and holding it -- Dave Barry
I can snap your spine like a toothpick. -- Dave Barry
In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes. -- Dave Barry
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. -- Dave Barry
Washington is nicknamed "The Evergreen State" because it sounds better than "The Incessant Nagging Drizzle State." -- Dave Barry
Dogs do not grasp the concept of house cleaning. -- Dave Barry
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. -- Dave Barry
A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all. -- Dave Barry
Fortunately the boat we rented had a motor in it You will definitely want this feature on your sailboat too, because if you put up the sails, the boat tips way over, and you could spill your beer. -- Dave Barry
The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called "LinkedIn." -- Dave Barry
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth. -- Dave Barry
Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism. -- Dave Barry
If everybody were a guy, the human race could easily get by on less than one twentieth the current number of shoes. -- Dave Barry
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. -- Dave Barry
dropping spiders -- Dave Barry
Under Florida's "stand your ground" law, it is legal to shoot anybody for any reason as long as you are standing on the ground. -- Dave Barry
Many things have been written, including by me, linking humor and pain. Mostly, in my case, the humor part keeps me sane. If I spent all my hours writing things like "Fatal Distraction," I'd become a brooding, erratic melancholic. I'd be Raskolnikov. -- Dave Barry
If, when you talk to people, they keep backing away from you, it's because you're TOO CLOSE, alright? SO DON'T KEEP ADVANCING ON THEM LIKE A HUMAN GLACIER. -- Dave Barry
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. -- Dave Barry
Florida's number three industry, behind tourism and skin cancer, is voter fraud. -- Dave Barry
All the shopping malls and restaurants and airports are riddled with low-fidelity loudspeakers, which apparently have developed the ability to reproduce by themselves; these are all connected to a special programming service called Music That Nobody Really Likes, and you cannot get away from it. -- Dave Barry
Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing. -- Dave Barry
His body rigid with terror as he waited for the savages to something horrible to him - bash his head with clubs, or stab him with spears, or ...
... or tap him on the shoulder. -- Dave Barry
The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form. -- Dave Barry
Every single human cell contains "DNA," which is a special molecule that your body leaves behind at crime scenes so the police can identify you. -- Dave Barry
Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress. -- Dave Barry
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. -- Dave Barry
I want to gag sometimes when I see who "we" are recommending that people vote for, and not just as a libertarian. -- Dave Barry
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath. -- Dave Barry
A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children. -- Dave Barry
It is an inconvenience, being located in a city where taxes are ludicrously high, where you pay twice your annual income to rent an apartment that could easily be carried on a commercial airline flight. -- Dave Barry
I actually kind of like Janet Reno. She seems like a nice enough lady. But when you're basically going through the entire phone book trying to find women lawyers who don't have maids to pick the attorney general of the United States, how well can you do? -- Dave Barry
The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. -- Dave Barry
He felt a momentary pang of regret that he had not spent more time with his beloved wife. But it passed when he remembered that the reason he'd gone to sea in the first place was that he had never really liked his beloved wife. -- Dave Barry
Horkman made a sound like a bullfrog trying to give a blow job to a buffalo. -- Dave Barry
Little Richard walked a few paces back, armed with a flintlock pistol, which he hoped would be effective against spiders. -- Dave Barry
Another important rule of affair-having: Never be discreet at the office. -- Dave Barry
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from someone else's plate. -- Dave Barry
Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art. -- Dave Barry
Cats are independent, by which I mean smart. -- Dave Barry
If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows. -- Dave Barry
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. -- Dave Barry
Like all writers, my greatest inspiration, my ultimate muse, is a deadline. -- Dave Barry
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. -- Dave Barry
As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist." -- Dave Barry
Molly squeaked and clicked (the clicks were the hardest) something back, which she hoped was "Hello." What she actually said was "My teeth are green," but the porpoise was too polite to point that out. -- Dave Barry
They sport haircuts that were apparently administered by a blind heroin addict in the men's room of a Bulgarian disco in 1978. -- Dave Barry
Orangutan are very weird animals but they look very soulful. -- Dave Barry
The story of the eighties will be the story of the Reagan administration and the many men and women who served in it, some of whom are already out on parole. -- Dave Barry
The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read. -- Dave Barry
One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium. -- Dave Barry
Do not spit gum in the drinking fountains. -- Dave Barry
Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare. -- Dave Barry
The porpoises said hello to Molly. She told them all her teeth were green. -- Dave Barry
Almost half of the people over 40 believe they look younger than they are. This says something important about older Americans. We have terrible eyesight. -- Dave Barry
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes to get a beer. -- Dave Barry
Some of my close friends could easily be deceased; this would not have a serious effect on our relationship. -- Dave Barry
Molly happy see Ammm," she said. The Porpoise language has 237 words that mean "happy," and Molly had actually chosen the one denoting the happiness derived from having one's belly tickled by seaweed. -- Dave Barry
What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series. -- Dave Barry
Love and pregnancy and riding on a camel cannot be hid -- Dave Barry
Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them. -- Dave Barry
For the benefit of those of you who have real jobs and are not involved in the news business, I should first explain that ... -- Dave Barry
As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight. -- Dave Barry
And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. -- Dave Barry
On Valentine's Day, millions of men give millions of women flowers, cards and candy as a heartfelt expression of the emotion that also motivates men to observe anniversaries and birthdays-fear. -- Dave Barry
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. -- Dave Barry
Shall we go to Bethlehem, men? Or shall we DANCE -- Dave Barry
People don't think of writers as sex objects. The women who write to me and suggest that we ought to have sex usually turn out to be, like, eighty. And their letters always end with, "Just joking." -- Dave Barry
Alan Zweibel is the funniest writer in the world. He might be even funnier when he's naked, but I'm afraid to find out. -- Dave Barry
Talking about golf is always boring. Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart. -- Dave Barry
Airline food is not intended for human consumption. It's intended as a form of in-flight entertainment, wherein the object is to guess what it is, starting with broad categories such as "mineral" and "linoleum." -- Dave Barry
It is a well- known fact that although the public is fine when taken individually, when it forms itself into large groups, it tends to act as though it has one partially consumed Pez tablet for a brain. -- Dave Barry
Each year, millions of skiers come to Colorado to experience its superb emergency medical facilities. -- Dave Barry
If the people in Europe are SOOOOOO smart, how come so many of them can't seem to locate the deodorant, huh? -- Dave Barry
Humor is an escape, because you cannot think about your problems when you are trying to be funny; so, in essence, "being a humorist" gives you a valid excuse to hide from your pain. -- Dave Barry
The objective is not so much to walk your dog, as it is to empty him. -- Dave Barry
There are no bad haircuts in cyberspace. -- Dave Barry
I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt ... -- Dave Barry
I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans. -- Dave Barry
I've never actually given birth to a child, but I suspect that going to a Justin Bieber concert with a child is close. -- Dave Barry
Eating in Germany is easy, because there is basically only one kind of food, called the wurst. -- Dave Barry
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. -- Dave Barry
Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests. -- Dave Barry
Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals. -- Dave Barry
Nobody understands how hard it is, being a captain. -- Dave Barry
The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment. -- Dave Barry
You should not confuse your career with your life. -- Dave Barry
33 percent agreeing with the statement that the world is controlled by a giant invisible telepathic clam named Ronaldo. -- Dave Barry
I would say that the single most important conclusion I reached, after traveling through Japan, as well as countless hours reading, studying, and analyzing this fascinating culture, is that you should always tighten the cap on the shampoo bottle before you put it in your suitcase. -- Dave Barry
Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard. -- Dave Barry
I always assumed that at some point I would have to quit making jokes, get a real job and do something meaningful and productive that would actually benefit society. Fortunately this never happened. -- Dave Barry
Derangement is the only possible explanation for owning a cat, an animal whose preferred mode of communication is to sink its claws three-quarters of an inch into your flesh. -- Dave Barry
I realize that some of you may be skeptical about the idea of reincarnation, but there's a lot of evidence that it's real. Exhibit A is Vice President Al Gore, who obviously, at some point in his previous existence, was a slab of Formica. -- Dave Barry
Never trust anything you read in a travel article. Travel articles appear in publications that sell large, expensive advertisements to tourism-related industries, and these industries do not wish to see articles with headlines like: URUGUAY: DON'T BOTHER. -- Dave Barry
Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything. -- Dave Barry
Line printer paper is strongest at the perforations. -- Dave Barry
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. -- Dave Barry
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. -- Dave Barry
I'm afraid that, in this chapter we must talk about sex in a very explicit manner, because we want to expand the Frontiers of Human Understanding and also we want to sell as many books as possible to adolescent boys. -- Dave Barry
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. -- Dave Barry
The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other ... -- Dave Barry
Eventually everyone has to die, except Elvis. -- Dave Barry
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. -- Dave Barry
Normal person's weekly chore list: 1. clean kitchen. 2. clean bathroom. 3. clean entire rest of domicile. cleaning impaired person's weekly chore list: 1. don't get peanut butter on sheets. -- Dave Barry
When I'm writing columns, it's - all I'm thinking about is jokes, joke, joke, joke, setup, punch line, joke, joke, joke. And I really don't care where it goes. -- Dave Barry
Men have no cause to criticize women about the way they are about weddings. Because men are like that about sports, but it never ends. At least women, after the wedding, say it wasn't that big a deal and they're never going to look at the DVD again. Men never stop being crazy about sports. -- Dave Barry
The scrub sink ... is the place where doctors wash their hands after they operate so that they won't get flecks of your vital organs on their Lexus upholstery. -- Dave Barry
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. -- Dave Barry
I see', said Smee, still not seeing. -- Dave Barry
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. -- Dave Barry
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings. -- Dave Barry
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. -- Dave Barry
He could even think about how fast he was thinking about things. -- Dave Barry
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. -- Dave Barry
I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. -- Dave Barry
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can using only their hands and feet make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. -- Dave Barry
It may be meaningless, but at least it's a gesture. -- Dave Barry
The Internet "browser" ... is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen informing you that the Internet is currently busy and you should try again later. -- Dave Barry
I say we scrap the current system and replace it with a system wherein you add your name to the bottom of a list, and then you send some money to the person at the top of the list, and then you ... Oh, wait, that is our current system. -- Dave Barry
When the armed robber of unhappiness knocks over the Keebler cookie display of our complacency, and bangs the samurai sword of negativity on the checkout counter of our dreams, we must not be afraid to hurl the fruit cocktail can of hope. -- Dave Barry
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
A critical function that we journalists perform at political conventions is to try to get into parties that we have not been invited to. There are dozens of these parties, sponsored by large corporations with a sincere public-spirited desire to become larger. -- Dave Barry
I have never had a point in my life to make. I'm just trying to entertain the reader. -- Dave Barry
Hardware: where the people in your company's software section will tell you the problem is. Software: where the people in your company's hardware section will tell you the problem is. -- Dave Barry
Boy is this journey ever long. Also arduous. -- Dave Barry
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. -- Dave Barry
There was nowhere to sit except the bunk, which was covered with rotting food, and a wooden stool, upon which sat a large fur-covered lump - an old cheese, perhaps, or a dead cat. -- Dave Barry
The great thing about golf - and this is the reason why a lot of health experts like me recommend it - you can drink beer and ride in a cart while you play. -- Dave Barry
In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer. -- Dave Barry
DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables. -- Dave Barry
France: As a professional journalist, I like the idea of a society where it is considered an acceptable occupation to basically sit around and drink. -- Dave Barry
I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn. -- Dave Barry
Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate. -- Dave Barry
The whole thing about whether you smoke marijuana or not is so ridiculous. That and whether you protested the Vietnam War. Give me a break. Especially the marijuana thing. -- Dave Barry
Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it. -- Dave Barry
The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - 'to spew out paper.' -- Dave Barry
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? -- Dave Barry
If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers. -- Dave Barry
You and Teacher," said Molly.
"Yes," said Peter. "She's very clever. You'll like her."
"I'm sure," said Molly. -- Dave Barry
Soon the floor in front of us is littered with the corpses of unfinished songs. -- Dave Barry
Stache's attack was perfectly timed, thanks to his veteran-pirate grasp tactics - and a big piece if luck. -- Dave Barry
The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that's where we must focus our efforts. -- Dave Barry
The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962. -- Dave Barry
We can only be young once. But we can always be immature. -- Dave Barry
IF YOU COME NEAR THIS BOAT, I WILL CUT OFF HIS HEAD, D'YOU UNDERSTAND, SAVAGES? -- Dave Barry
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? -- Dave Barry
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. -- Dave Barry
There are a number of people without whom I could not have written this book, but I hope you don't hold that against them. They are all fine people, and they had no idea how it would turn out. -- Dave Barry
I was a middle-of-the-road Democrat more than anything else. I know I voted for Carter. Watergate taught me how bad the Republicans were. -- Dave Barry
I was clinging to this tree so passionately that I might very well have committed an act of photosynthesis with it. -- Dave Barry
No reason to join a fight until you know what side you're on. -- Dave Barry
He was distracted by a giggle, and turned to see a rare sight: a girl. -- Dave Barry
I don't have any insight or understanding on anything about the government. All I think is that it's stupid - which is the one perspective that's almost completely lacking in Washington. -- Dave Barry
I've noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse. -- Dave Barry
To enter Europe, you must have a valid passport with a photograph of yourself in which you look like you are being booked on charges of soliciting sheep. -- Dave Barry
A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is. -- Dave Barry
Our original idea was to write a book titled Fifty Shades of the Hunger Games, by J.K. Rowling with Stephen King: A John Grisham Novel. -- Dave Barry
I'm not saying that women don't think about sex also. I'm saying that women are capable, for at least brief periods of time, of not thinking about sex, and that most guys are not. -- Dave Barry
No man had ever knocked little Richard down. But of course Ammm was not a man. -- Dave Barry
We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how -- Dave Barry
Please try not to be such a wiener-head. -- Dave Barry
The Japanese tend to communicate via nuance and euphemism, often leaving important things unsaid; whereas Americans tend to think they're being subtle when they refrain from grabbing the listener by the shirt. -- Dave Barry
I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. -- Dave Barry
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. -- Dave Barry
It was you readers who really came through, proving once again that when the American people decide to "get involved" in a problem, it is best not to let them have any sharp implements. -- Dave Barry
We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. -- Dave Barry
Unless you live in Indonesia, there should be several malls within five miles of your home. It makes no difference whatsoever which one you go to: Under federal law, all malls in the United States must have the same 42 chain stores. -- Dave Barry
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. -- Dave Barry
Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals. -- Dave Barry
Spreadsheet: a kind of program that lets you sit at your desk and ask all kinds of neat "what if?" questions and generate thousands of numbers instead of actually working. -- Dave Barry
Megahertz: This is really, really big hertz. -- Dave Barry
You cannot paint the exterior of your house. You have to take the paint chip down to show the paint-chip Nazis. -- Dave Barry
Regular adult Americans are no more capable of doing math than they are of photosynthesis. -- Dave Barry
Did you hear about the toilet being stolen from the police station?
The cops have nothing to go on. -- Dave Barry
Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights. -- Dave Barry
Whatever the needs of the public are, the government responds to those needs by getting larger. -- Dave Barry
Microsoft has a new version out, Windows XP, which according to everybody is the 'most reliable Windows ever.' To me, this is like saying that asparagus is 'the most articulate vegetable ever.' -- Dave Barry
I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including: Both of your socks should always be the same color, Or they should at least both be fairly dark. -- Dave Barry
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in the world, with a speed of 120 mph, is a cow dropped out of a helicopter. -- Dave Barry
There's tremendous pressure, if you're in that [goverment] system, to be involved and be interested and to care about it. There's no room to say, "This is stupid." -- Dave Barry
If you answered, 'Spin the Bottle,' then I frankly do not want to know any more about your childhood. -- Dave Barry
'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'. -- Dave Barry
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. -- Dave Barry
Your guess is as good as mine. Better probably, because you haven't had four beers. -- Dave Barry
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. -- Dave Barry
Which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. -- Dave Barry
Canada is actually a major country, with an area of more than 169 billion hectometers in longitude, -- Dave Barry
As long as humanity has been human, it has looked toward the heavens and dreamed that some day, some way, there would be giant federal contracts involved. -- Dave Barry
I love Special Executive Order 768 dash 4 -- Dave Barry
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. -- Dave Barry
Your friends love you anyway. -- Dave Barry
This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers. -- Dave Barry
Guys are simple ... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. -- Dave Barry
Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told. -- Dave Barry
Are we ever going to have a federal tax system that regular people can understand? -- Dave Barry
the world's biggest -- Dave Barry